running after God

300th entry

2007-04-12T01:44:00.000+08:00

Whoa. I've finally reached the 300th entry mark. At long last... This will be my final entry at this url. Throughout the later part of last year, I was considering whether to change my url. But my friends and I couldn't think of anything suitable. So I decided to postpone it til I reached my 300th entry. It seemed so far away then.

Hmm. This blog was started at the end of 2004. To be precise, it was created after I came back from my 1st youth camp. For those who don't know, "Running after God" was the theme of the camp so ya... I've been blogging a lot more the past year? I only reached my 100th entry mark in April 2006. Then a few months later, I hit my 200th entry mark at the end of November. And now, 5 months later, my 300th entry. Dang. I should have rushed out a few more entries. Then can have my 100th entry and 300th entry on the same day but just 1 year apart. =p

My blogging style has changed a bit. The content of my blog has changed but not as much? My blog serves too many purposes. Sometimes, it acts as a platform for me to "talk" to others. Sometimes, it's a notebook for me to recount what happened. Other times, it serves as an outlet for my emotions. And recently, it serves as a place for my book reviews? =p But another change is that nowadays, I have more entries on my relationship with God and all. Yeps.

As to what my new url will be, I'm not too sure yet. I've shortlisted it down to a few. But as I hinted to mei, it won't be in English. Haha. Yeps. The next time I blog, it'll be on the new url. Ask me for the url? I might leave a link or something though. Depends on my mood. If I'm nice, I'll just provide a link. If not, then happy finding. I already gave a hint. =) Of course, you could always ask me. But whether I'll tell... Hmm. Actually, quite a high chance. Unless I'm feeling playful. =p

Wait. I've got another idea. Leave this blog alone and start a new one. So each 300th entry, a new blog. Hmm... See how things go? But the one thing that's confirmed, I won't be blogging at this url anymore. Mhmm... That's all. Bye! =)

eventful tuesday

2007-04-10T19:47:00.000+08:00

Was recounting to mei how my day started off quite nicely actually.

Have I mentioned that I get to see the sunrise almost every morning? Ok. Corrections. I don't get to enjoy the whole process but I see the sky when it's filled with various shades of pink, orange and blue. Really pretty. When I left my house this morning, I looked out into the sky and as usual, was just captivated by the colours. Spent a few minutes trying to get a few photos with my handphone camera. Too bad my phone can't capture the colours as vividly as I see them.

While waiting for the bus, my MP3 player started playing "We're all in this together". Normally, I would just skip the song or something since all of us have heard it too much last year? But today, I just let the song play on. It was the right choice. As the song played, I started picturing either the show or our performance. It was really enjoyable just to reminisce about last year's concert. I kept smiling to myself while mouthing the lyrics and had to control the urge to do the actions. Was doing the actions mentally though. =p Mhmm. Yeps. =) You few, up for staying up after CCA ends? Maybe blast music in a classroom and revise for our exams together or something?

Erm. Got woken up in an unusual way. As in, I was no longer sleepy after I reached school. Haha. I shall not go into details. If not, I think I'm going to be "lectured" by more than one person? Heehee.

Cell biology. Hmm... Yay! To my group mates, great job! =) Considering that we finished everything yesterday. Chinese. the usual? Lunch. Whee! It was pretty fun? Haha. Maths. Viva. Oh well. I really should revise for the maths test. =p Art. Hmm... We got briefed about our mid-year exam. The format, the topics tested, etc... Hopefully I don't mess my exams up. Was dismissed one hour early so went down to the table outside the music room and just did my homework. Quite happy that I could finish up chinese and start on maths. It's quite interesting to observe who walks past. Most of the time, I would see various people walking past and then I'll just go back to my work. Fortunately, no one came over to the table. =)

Ok. That ends my recount of the day. As usual, time to address some things. To be really specific, the same issue that I've blogged about quite a bit since the start of the year? On the way home, I was thinking about some things that someone said and I just typed out what went through my mind in my handphone now, and for the first time ever, I'll type it out on my blog.

Hmm. I think it surprises people that I still dwell on that issue a lot. And more than one person has pointed out that I can control my feelings. I agree, but to an extent only. I'm human. The thought of having the opposite response has crossed my mind. But hey, as I said in my previous note, I rather hurt myself than hurt others. And that aside, I've made various promises and there are some things I live by. Things that have long been part of me. It's what defines me. My beliefs, my value system. Over the years, it hasn't changed. Look at it this way. Would you rather I change who I am because of what happened? If yes, tell me. I'll put that into consideration.

A few disclaimers. When I say hurt myself, it's more along the lines of bearing the emotions that come with the decision I make and the stand I take. Yeps. The few of you should be able to tell what I'm talking about in this note. And the question goes out to you all. I would like to know your answer. Thanks. =)

colourgenics result

2007-04-10T19:37:00.000+08:00

Tried out this colourgenics test and this was the result... My personal comments are in italics. Mhmm.

At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).
Hmm... How true? Haha. But a few questions for myself. Am I pushing too hard? Am I hoping unrealistically?

You dislike playing the field in every sense of the word. When you develop a relationship it needs to be a close fulfilling one, one that has deep meaning for all parties concerned.
Lol. Haha. I think I don't really need to comment on this? All those who know me well should know whether or not this is true.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst, this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.
Hmm. I like the first two lines? How to release pent-up emotions? Maybe I should take the advice given and go running/swimming. Not such a bad idea. Now if only I can find time... Actually, if I have time for myself, I'll be able to relax already.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.
I think the first line is quite true? But the rest of it is just inaccurate. I guess failure doesn't affect me that badly. And I really don't think that everyone in my sphere of influence has taken undue advantage of me. My failure is not due to those around me. Yeps. This is the one paragraph I really disagree with.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.
As if. The first line is so not true. The future holds so much more for me. But yes, I would love to take a break and get away from everything and rest, then after I'm refreshed, I'll face everything once more. Yeps. What lack of appreciation? I disagree. There are still people who take the effort to appreciate me for my actions and in a way, that refreshes me?

Hmm.. I think that's enough analysis of the results? =p Yeps. I shall go on to my next blog entry topic. =)

old entries

2007-04-08T23:09:00.000+08:00

I confuse myself a lot. It's normally not a smart move to read old blog entries but ya, I felt like reading through blog entries today so yeps..

Surprisingly, my mood was still normal after reading various blog entries? Except that at times, I had no idea what I was reading. As in, I couldn't remember what was it that I blog about. Lol.

Hmm... Didn't just read my previous blog entries. But yes, I confuse myself. I have no idea what prompted this whole reading of entries. And I have no idea why I didn't have the normal reaction. Interesting...

Ok. I'm just blogging about random stuff cause I'm in the mood to blog but have no idea what to blog about. =p

Ohh! I've gained weight. Does that mean all of you will finally stop making me eat more? Nah... Not a chance. But yeps, I guess my metabolism has fallen or I've been snacking too much. Think it's the latter. =p

Whee! New songs in my MP3 player. But prior to that, had to go through the agonizing process of deciding which songs to delete. >.< Bah. Oh well. But sorry mei, I think most of the songs in my player would still fall under your definition of "emo". Lol.

Waiting for tomorrow. It should prove interesting. Or at least, blog-worthy. I wonder why? Lol. The few of you in school will find out tomorrow. Yeps. =)

joys in my life

2007-04-07T19:58:00.000+08:00

Hmm. I really like the past week? To be really precise, there were various incidences that made me smile quite a bit. I've already blogged a bit about tuesday so time to move on to wednesday.

Hmph. Mei left me halfway during physics. But AXIS was rather fun? Heehee. Yeps, I can't be a forensic scientist though. Our group only managed to identify 7 out of the 10 powders. Then after that, Christian Fellowship! =) Actually, there was something else before CF that made me smile but that's for me to know and up to you if you want to find out. =p Lol.

Yay! I'm really thankful for the time of sharing that we had during CF. I didn't really have anything specific planned in mind apart from a few questions and activities for the group. But the flow of conversation was really surprising. Touched on quite a few topics. Thank You God for leading the sharing! =) Mhmm. Wednesday's CF was really enjoyable and it brings a smile to my face when I think abou it. It's only the 5th session but it's already changed a lot from our first meeting. Mhmm.

Thursday... Hmm. Not much happened? Ohh. Just realized that I'm temporarily in charge of Journalism since the Year 5s are excused from CCA. Oh well. I'm excused from writing articles but for some weird reason, I want to complete one last article first. Yeps. After CCA, went off for dental before meeting my parents. Went to pick up Jon from HPPS. Ahh... I miss those primary school days. Lol. Must find time to go back and talk to the teachers! >.< Need to go back for my dose of lectures. Lol. After that, went to church for Maundy Thursday service. Hmm... Throughout the service, I kept thinking about Timeless. Ohh! Just change topic. Went for supper. Ended up eating one plate of bee hoon + 2 and one third chicken wing. Go figure how I got the 1/3. Lol.

Hmm. Friday. Turned down the chance to go east coast. =( Homework. But anyway, ended up sleeping til 12 noon or so? >.< Oh well. Ended up not doing any work. Left the house and met mel for dinner at Holland V. Yay! Sammi came and joined us. 1 out of 2 isn't that bad. =) Made our way to church for Timeless... Honestly, I think I cry too easily. The real-life accounts were just so touching. There's one more thing about me that makes going for special events a bit unbearable. There's always this thought, "What if ... was here. This would apply to ... so much." Throughout the years, I've thought this way many times and various names would be filled into the blank. Oh well. I'm thankful that at least, there was 1 less name in that blank since sammi went. Thanks girl. =) But ya... There were various people who I wished could have made it. Never mind. There's always next time, ya? =) Stayed out a bit more and had supper with mel and sammi. What did I get myself into ah? >.< Oh well.

Today. Got woken up by mummy asking if I wanted to go to a booksale. Normally, the automatic response is yes but what with homework and me being really sleepy, I fell back asleep. Fortunately, changed my mind and decided to go. It was held at Expo... >.< The other side of the island. How I wish that a few of you went with me. I need more pairs of eyes! Sadly, didn't find any book I want. I'm serious. Only bought 1 CD for myself... Realized that I think of my friends way too much. Apart from wanting various people at the book fair, I was also looking out for things for my friends. Hint. The CD wasn't the only thing I bought. Yeps. Oh well. Had to spend the budget my mum gave me, ya? Lol.

Ok. I better get back to work. Sighs. I want to watch the Saturday Night movie. But it's a more logical move not to. Not just cause of the homework but also cause that show would bring me back to the past. Lol. Not literally, of course. I want to sleep! Wait. Change sleep to rest. =p Actually, let's be greedy. I want to sleep and I want to rest. Ok ok. I'm just rambling now... >.< Hmph. Dislikes concerts. Steal people away from me. Haha. Yeps. My "siblings" are all at this concert. Bah. Ok ok. Chermy, stop rambling! Ok. Now I'm talking to myself. =p Oops?

little things

2007-04-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

Today was a good day. Things happened that I didn't expect yet I don't really mind? A lot of unexpected stuff happened but as I said, I didn't mind and in fact, it kind of brightened my day?

Started off the day really, really sleepy. Yeps. Considering that I only had around 3 and a half hour of sleep? Laadeedaas. Lol. Ok. I'm going to be in bed by 12 today so that's a distinct improvement. =) Anyway, back to my day. I'll just fast-foward to lunch? Ok. Sorry mei for abandoning you but ya, you know where I went and why I went away. Disclaimer: I wasn't being moody. Read a few entries before to find out why I wanted to be alone during lunch. Ok. Wait. Instead of making people scroll down, I'll be nice. I'll state my reasons once more. Intending to do a one meal fast for three days. Started today. So during lunch, I go to some corner of the school and just focus on seeking God and being in His presence. Today was much needed... No, I didn't get the answers to my questions but rather I was renewed once more. And God reminded me of some stuff... Yeps. Kind of like a warning? Oh well. Then two unexpected incidents. Lol. As unexpected as they were, I really don't mind similar incidents. Don't believe that it was by chance that those things happened. Yeps.

Then after school, decided to spoil myself and headed to the library. Borrowed two more books. Pft. I have to resort to pulling out random books liao. All the books that I'm looking for aren't on the shelves. Or I've read all the books by the author. Annoying. =p Haha. Shall wait for awhile and start on Mercedes Lackey again. Provided I get around to finishing the stories that I have in soft copy. =p Went back home and yet another surprise. Yeps. My reaction was pretty amusing if I can say so myself. =p Mhmm. Then let myself slack the afternoon away. Mhmm. Yeps. =p

Better go off now. Don't want a repeat of me oversleeping. =p Oops? Goodnight everyone. Hmm. Some people are going to be surprised tomorrow. =p

late night

2007-04-03T02:12:00.000+08:00

I should get to sleep? Attempting to finish up one last piece of homework first though... Mhmm.

I realized that I was 30 minutes away from breaking my two twix a day rule. Lol. Ate one at 12:34 so it was the next time so new rations allowed. =) Lol. Hmm... Whenever things pick up slightly, then they go back down again? But at least, there are still relatively high points. They keep me going. Along with my daily dose of faith and hope. Twix too? Mhmm... Lol.

Going to start my fast today. I'm really praying that nothing crops up during lunch. I want to just spend lunch being in God's presence and hopefully, hear His voice. I need guidance, direction, strenght, assurance and many other things... To be renewed once more. Yeps. Think I better go sleep now. After all, I tell people to take care, sleep early so I better do that too. Mhmm. Disclaimer: was staying up for work. Yeps.

twix makes my day

2007-04-01T18:06:00.000+08:00

Whee! I've got two and a half packs of twix left at home. Whee! I think I'm being addicted to twix. Once I start, it takes lots of willpower to stop. Heehee. Guess I'm just following the stereotype of girls liking chocolate and eating it a lot? =p Mhmm. Then again, that's pretty normal. Lol. Ate two yesterday while attempting to do homework. Then ate one just now. I'm trying to limit myself to two a day... But honestly, I think that's not possible? =p

Haha. Anyway, shall do a quick recount of yesterday and today. Hmm. Didn't manage to do much homework yesterday. Oh well. Service was different. The various ministries set up booths and we were asked to walk around finding out more about the ministries and maybe even join one. Used to be in drama&dance but stopped going since late last year. I've been thinking about joining a ministry again but which one? I'll list all down first... Worship. Genesis. Ignyte Host. Celebration Host. Tech team. Prayer Task Force. Dance.

Worship's out cause I can't play drums. My singing is ... Let's just say that's not an option. =p Keyboard... Can't. Guitar. Uhhuh. Right. Not yet anyway. So ya... Might consider joining worship some time in the future but not anytime soon. Mhmm.
Genesis. Possible. Decoration. Graphic Design. Photography. Areas that I enjoy doing. So ya... But somehow, there's this hesitation.
Ignyte host. Talk to the first time visitors after service. 0.0 I'm not sure... Possible but it depends.
Celebration host. Nah... Somehow I don't think that's for me.
Tech team. I've not much interest in it honestly. So ya... Except maybe RGB?
Prayer Task Force. Possible. That's one option I'm seriously considering.
Dance. I've tried it and that's not really the area for me?

Hmm. I'm not going to jump into making a choice anytime soon. This is one area that I want a clear assurance from God before I make any decision.

Skipped FUEL and went to Great World City with my family and some of my mum's friends. Yeps. Hmm. Not much to blog about? Wait. I take that back. Lol. Mum was passing some photos around. I thought it was of the Chiangmai trip only then I saw this photo that had a lot of red and white... Anyone got it yet? Next hint. White skirt. Red jacket. There. Yeps. I can't believe I didn't see the photos before?! Oh well. Just looked through them. To you 3, I can spot all of you in various photos even though my uncle focused on me. Yeps. Rofl. I am amused. I am not going to show the photos to people unless you're like one of the selected few. Mhmm. Ohh! There's like the pictures of me in a dress. Once for elmi jie jie's engagement and once for a wedding. Lol.

I want to go Great World City again! There's this nice, big Christian bookshop which was closed by the time we finished dinner. >.< So couldn't walk around the shop. Bah. Then the kids went to the arcade so tagged along. Was helping my bro play those games and earn some tickets. Got permission to try out DDR. Bah. The machine was kind of sad? Yeps. Oh well. DDR's not enjoyable unless it's challenging. So ya. But nevermind. Don't intend to go to the arcade there. I rather walk around the place. Lots of nice shops. I think. Based on looking at the directory. Lol. Anyone up for joining me? Heehee. Actually, that question isn't a question. Those who I do go out with, be prepared for me pestering you all to go there. =p Yeps.

Came home and attempted homework. Note the use of the word "attempted"? Lol. Ended up staying up quite late but didn't really finish that much homework. Oh well. Heehee.

Hmm... I'll make it public on my blog so that I would have to be accountable. Intending to do a three-day liquid fast from tuesday to thursday. Would start it tomorrow but since lunch is taken up by physics make-up lesson, there's no point fasting. Let me make it clear first. I am not neglecting my health. I intend to eat during recess and at dinner. But I'm just not going to eat during lunch. Instead, I'll try to find someplace in school to be alone and just spend time in God's presence. There are some questions that I'm seeking answers to. And apart from that, I'm praying that God will intervene in various situations. My church's Easter event is coming up and I'm really hoping that various people can make it. Normally, that wouldn't be possible but then again, faith and hope has been what keeps me believing. No reason to stop, ya? There.

Time for dinner. Then back to work.

in need of rest

2007-03-30T19:43:00.000+08:00

I think the lack of rest is affecting my tolerance level. Normally, I wouldn't be as irritated at things as I have been the past two days.

But ya, yesterday was a day I would gladly go without.

Let's see. Some people should know what I wasn't really looking forward to yesterday. Yeps. Then after that, it was so tired. Behaving like someone I'm not really drains me. I rarely, if never, behave like that. It's just not me. But I had to go ahead with it anyway. My fault. So ya... Was just sitting there and watching it rain. As much I wanted to go into the rain, that would attract way too much attention and I would have gotten "killed" by mei and nes. Sighs. But yes, was really, really drained.

During art, I was just focusing on making a prototype and tried not to think too much about stuff. I guess it was one of the few times that I didn't cringe at using a penknife? Disclaimer: I was cutting cardboard and tape with the penknife, nothing else. Yeps. So ya. Then chinese, followed by physics. Rushed home after physics for a massage session. =p Yeps, I'm getting spoilt.

Massage session. Oh well. My neck and shoulders were really aching so was in need of massage. Then my grandaunt was massaging my thigh and it was so painful! Ouch. Painful to the point that tears came to my eyes. She says it's cause I walk a lot. So I guess there's not much I can do about it? But ouch... That was painful. Shoulder area a bit more relaxed but still quite tense. Oh well. Better than nothing.

Today... Really sleepy. Throughout Journalism, I was so tempted to put my head down on the table and sleep. That bad. Mhmm. Guess I'll give Survivor a miss for this week. Not going to stay up... Shall clear some homework first before I sleep though. Yeps. That's all.

looking forward (in a different way...)

2007-03-29T23:40:00.000+08:00

Weird title, yes? But anyway, I realize that nowadays, I rarely look forward to stuff. Rather, I look forward to the end of stuff. Basically, I look forward to seeing the things I dislike doing over and done with. This week has been a classic example. First, there was the Talentsearch competition. I looked forward to it ending. So a weight was lifted off my shoulders yesterday. Then I was looking forward to the end of the school day today. Ya... I don't normally dislike thursday unlike mei but today was one day I just wanted to fast forward.

Mhmm. And while I should look forward to the weekend, I can't. Because of the homework that I'll have to do. Because this endless cycle of not enough sleep will continue. Whee. I really should stop blogging and go sleep. So goodnight. Shall end this entry here even though I want to rant even more...

On second thoughts, since sammi's sending me a file, I shall wait til the file's fully transferred before going off the computer. Bah. Forget it. The transfer was interrupted. Sighs. Goodnight. I don't need sleep, I need rest.

irrational.

2007-03-28T22:34:00.000+08:00

Honestly, today could have gone way better. Went to school early to practice the piece for Talentsearch. I need more sleep. Yes, I'm still not sleeping early. How can I? There are things that need to be done. This is the price I pay when I don't manage my time well and yet still expect a certain level from myself. Whee.

Overall, the mood of today was rather subdued? Not that noticeable but still... Let's see. House meeting was ok? Haha. Yes mei, I know it's unfair. Oh well. You're pro. =) Then ACE was enjoyable. I want to watch the rest of "October Sky". =) Physics lab was ... as per normal? Except that I really should control myself more. The restraint that I usually show slipped away a bit. That's not good. Sorry. This restraint isn't referring to moodiness or emo-ness by the way. Yeps.

Project work has always been rather enjoyable. At least me and mei are actually learning stuff? =) Yeps. Never thought we'll do a Chemistry project actually. Time to start thinking of how to extend the project for the rest of this year. It's fun playing with fire. Haha. I mean that literally by the way. Observed a methanol flame today. Yeps.

After IR, things started going a bit downhill? Ouch. It was irritating trying to staple the letters to the Journalism board. Because I have to look up and my neck started aching after awhile? Then it was raining. And ya, mei didn't let me go out into the rain. =p Heehee. But I was guai, ok? When walking to the piano to practice even more, I avoided walking out in the open. It was highly tempting though. =p

Then realized I had to play on the keyboard for Talentsearch so took awhile to get used to the keys. Actual auditions itself was just sad. I was really nervous and messed up in the 2nd bar already. So naturally, I got very nervous and made even more mistakes and the cycle continues. Oh well. It's over. Time to move on. That's what I tell others so I should listen to that advice myself.

While sitting in the auditorium and listening to the other groups perform, I was hit by a wave of emotions. Really unexpected. My mind just linked the playing of the various rock groups to last year's Teacher's Day performance. Ouch. That wasn't needed. And in fact, I also thought about Charity Concert. Weird, right? Talentsearch has no link with Teacher's Day and Charity concert but it could still trigger off memories. >.< I am irritated at the way my head works.

Anyway, it was just weird after auditions. Lol. The only girl in the group? And a certain someone was bullying me. -pointed look- Oh well.

On the bright side, got to eat nice chocolate marshmallow cake today! =) And with that, I shall end this entry. On a high note! =) -attempts to hit a high note- Rofl.

why mondays?

2007-03-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

I should get worried if this continues... 1st day of school, I overslept and only woke up at around 7:50. Then today, I woke up at 6:50. The part that scares me is how often this has happened... It's just the 2nd week of Term 2. And the fact that I can't hear all 3 of my alarms is just alarming. Lol. The use of the word was not deliberate. Lol. But ya, my handphone, watch and clock didn't wake me up! Urk. That just proves that either I'm a heavy sleeper or I lack sleep.

Oh well. I'm aiming to be asleep by latest 11:30 tonight. Yeps. When that is considered earlier than average, that means I really should get back to my old ways of sleeping early. But easier said than done?

Yes, one might ask why I blog even though I can go sleep instead. Because it's become a habit. Because it's quite a good way of organizing my thoughts and help me settle down.

Hmm... How was today? Alright, I guess. Expected to get 3 test results back but ended up not receiving a single paper back. Went ACM after school to view the "Mystery Men" exhibition... Erm. I guess it didn't really help that the tour was done in Chinese? I tried paying attention.. Lol. A few PRCs asked me once in awhile whether I understood what the tour guide was saying. Haha. That was amusing and rather considerate?

After the exhibition, walked with mei and nes to Raffles Exchange and spent quite awhile at Mount Zion, the bookshop. Whee! I want to spend money! Shall save up again and go spoil myself. Cass joined us. =) Then after that, had sugar rolls and was made to eat the last one. Yes yes, I know I need to gain weight. =p Decided to grab a bit more food with cass and went to Burger King. Mhmm. Talked quite a bit about various stuff... I wonder why I'm still so positive? Someone please tell me why? This kind of faith and hope isn't rational. I've no idea what keeps me believing but I'll still continue. Yeps. It was nice talking to cassie mei... Yeps. I'm not that surprised about how we seem to be on rather good talking terms. I kind of expected it? Considering situations and all... It was just a matter of time?

Anyway, I guess I'll end off this entry by addressing the same issue yet again. I've addressed it briefly in the previous paragraph but I'll touch on it a bit more. Yeps. Hmm. Maybe I'm biased? Maybe I'm too hopeful? But no matter what happens, I'll still believe that things can get better. I do believe in giving people second chances. And I won't stop at just giving second chances. Yeps.

Think I should go sleep soon. Lots of things that I need to do over the next few days. And oh, I will take care of myself, ok? Yeps. Not just minimal care. Proper care. Mhmm. This is directed to someone who complained that I wasn't really taking care. Yeps. Bye! Goodnight! =)

catching up

2007-03-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Considered recounting the whole of yesterday but I think I'll just focus on the later part of the day.

Met up with sammi yesterday night at Holland after Games day. Mhmm. Ended up going to Breko's. Haha. I wonder who suggested that place... 0=) Mhmm. Ordered my usual: potato salad. Lol. And a quicksand twister... Yummy.

Food aside... It was really enjoyable catching up with sammi. =) Thanks babe! =) It never fails to surprise me how our friendship has lasted all these years... Yeps. And it was refreshing to have someone who understands me and my heart so well. Yeps. Lol. Talked about quite a few things... Ranted quite a bit. Not the usual topics that I rant about to others. Yeps. Surprise surprise. Yay! New songs in my MP3 player! =) Went high over the songs when sammi first let me hear them. Went Starbucks after that and continued talking til it was time to rush home. Yeps.

Hmm. I'm still amused by that one question sammi asked. First person to ask the question. Is it because the rest already assume they know the answer? Haha. Yes, sammi. I know that answer's rather dumb and senseless but hey, I think you're pretty used to that? =p Haha. You're one of the few who can get away with criticizing me openly. Enjoy that privilege. Lol. And how do you put up with me? Lol. Since I'm too nice and all. Lol... Yes yes, I know I'm too nice. But can't really help it? Don't really know how to not be nice?

Oh. And one more thing I realized when talking to her. I do get irritated at people and all. But I just keep it within me and after awhile, it gets forgotten. Most of the time. Yeps. Haha. Then again, with sammi around, any negative mood of mine can't last for long. She's too amusing. Yeps.

Thanks sammi for yesterday! Let's try to make it twice a month or something, ok? =) Haha. Yeps.

oceans apart

2007-03-25T17:34:00.000+08:00

Hmm... Think I'm in a suitable mood and frame of mind to blog about this book. =) Yeps, the title of this entry is the title of the book. "Oceans Apart" by Karen Kingsbury. One of the books I randomly pull out and end up liking it a lot, just like Richard Paul Evans's books. It does help that she's a Christian author. Mhmm. Ok. Shall blog about the book first and the whole experience of reading it before I continue gushing about Karen Kingsbury's books! =p

Just the first few chapters alone made me think of stuff. Especially the main character's issue with his father. Reminded me of my life. Ya... I always ask myself this question. Will I regret my actions the day that he's no longer alive? If yes, then why do I still persist in being like this? I guess it's something to do with pride. And because I believe that my actions are justified... Yet, there's this part of my conscience that reminds me that he's still my father no matter what he does or does not do.

Love is what happens when people forgive.
This line keeps popping up throughout the book and it's this lesson that a lot of the characters in the book have to learn. Hmm... Let's see. I was reading this book alone in the library and it was actually quite good for just reflective and thinking. Even though it's a public place and all, I was alone in the corner so yeps. Ouch.. Forgiveness has always been something I don't really struggle with apart from that one issue of my dad. But as I was reading, it just hit me how in a way, I was having this bitterness and unforgiveness towards someone else as well. The most unlikely person. It was subtle. But that explains a lot of things from last term. Yeps.

It comes from a part called 1 John, and it says, "As Jesus laid his life down for us, so we must lay our lives down for other people. Anything else is not realy love. Not love for God and not love for people."
To lay down my life for everyone... Am I able to do that? I think I can do that for those I care about. But there's this fear that one day, I'll be hurt til the point when I lose hope, lose my trust... I was so close to that the past week. There are times when there aren't people around for you to lean on and you wonder what's the point of caring so much. Then afterwards, you realize why. Because even if they're not there, they do still care. Right? By the way, the exact Bible reference is 1 John 3:16-17. The lines from the book are rather different. But the main idea's really the same so ya...

There it was; the simple childlike love that had open arms no matter the situation.
This is what I hold on to desperately. I found it and regained it last year... At least, it was more obvious in every moment of my life compared to lower secondary years. But then at the start of this year... I sank back into that state. Sighs. It's been hard pulling myself out of it. But I guess I want back the childlike part of me really badly so it helps? Why do I still trust? Why do I still care? No matter what... Yeps. I guess it's this part of me that I don't want to lose. It's easy to lose it. It's hard to gain it back. So I won't let go of it. Mhmm.

As Karen Kingsbury's a Christian, she also showed the various character's relationships with God. Max, the child who's so faithful. He puts aside time every day to pray, read his Bible. I admire Max. But that's not really what spoke to me the most? Rather. Lines such as "My ways are not your ways..." and "Be still, and know that I am God." Isaiah 55:8-9 and Psalms 46:10 respectively. Mhmm...

My heart felt lighter and I realized that my smiles were a lot more genuine after I read the book and really understood it. It still amazes me how fiction books can speak to my heart so much... Yeps.

Anyway, I'm really interested in this author and want to read the rest of her books. Turns out she has a total of 5 series and 8 stand-alone books... Whoa. More than enough books for me to read. But first, have to find them. =p Yeps.

spoiling myself

2007-03-23T21:39:00.000+08:00

Heehee. I should stop spoiling myself. But ya, I guess I've let myself rest more this week compared to the usual? Let's see. Went West Mall alone on Wednesday after CCA and then today, went Jurong East central.

A quick recount of Wednesday. Didn't blog about it previously cos wasn't in the right mood so ya... But anyway, bought the soundtrack of "Music & Lyrics" even though I haven't watched it. Lol. And was walking around looking at the various stores and gushed a bit? Heehee. It's quite easy to buy presents for me really. I'm easily contented. Yeps. But yes, was gushing at various stuff. Mhmm. Went to the library at West Mall. Borrowed a book by this new author. Whee! The book's nice. Finished reading it already. "Oceans Apart" by Karen Kingsbury. Shall blog about it later or something.

Then today. Cancelled CF since half of them couldn't attend. So was free this afternoon. Rather unexpected. Was trying to decide how to make the most of the time... Wanted to go out/do something instead of going home. Considered watching "Music & Lyrics" but since it wasn't showing at Jurong, I gave up on that idea. Ended up going to the library and just reading there. It's been a while since I just sat down and read at the library. Yeps. Read finished "Oceans Apart". Found a few more books to borrow. I've run out of books by my usual authors. Time to reserve books so that I can start on one of Richard Paul Evan's series. Yeps. Then went Prima Deli and bought a waffle. Was eyeing bags.. =p Considered being vain and taking neoprints by myself but decided it was a waste of money to take by myself. So ended up buying 100g of those sour plums. Then went popular and bought 4 more packs of star-folding paper. =) Heehee. Started mei on folding stars during lessons and all so ya... Oops? We've done how many hundred stars in less than a week? =) Anyway, loooked in CD-Rama for the "Happy Feet" soundtrack. There was only one copy left, which I bought. =) Yeps. 2 CD in one week. That's a record? Or is it? Dunno. Last time, all the mass CD-buying was divided between the 4 of us so don't know how to count those. =p Yeps.

Went back home and just laid on my bed, reading, listening to my MP3 player and snacked on the pack of sour plums. Heehee. Finished the whole pack within the hour. Oops? Yeps. But anyway, I guess I'm letting myself take more breaks nowadays? I know I definitely need it. In fact, the time alone at the library was much needed. Probably due to how I was just thinking about stuff while reading "Oceans Apart". But that's another entry... =p

irritation

2007-03-21T21:48:00.000+08:00

Oh great. I meant to have a high and hyper entry on what I did after school but then again, I'm me. My mood can be affected really easily...

As my title says, irritation. Why do I rarely get irritated at people? Majority of the time, I get irritated at myself or at situations. Now, it's a bit of both.

I know I need to finish up Physics essay or at least get most of it done by tonight as there's SL rehearsal tomorrow... And I only found out about it today. Whee. >.< It's my grandma's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner. By the time the rehearsals end, it's going to be a mad rush to reach her house and take part in the celebrations. Yeps.

Then now, I need to finish Physics but of all times to lose focus, it has to be now. Actually, I didn't lose my focus. I didn't have it to start with. Yeps. I'm tired and I need to rest. I can't wait for this school week to be over. Then hopefully, I can rest a bit over the weekends then it'll be back to school... But less work. I just need to clear Physics... That's the last piece of work. Yeps.

I apologize for this rant. Then again, it's not an emo entry so that's good, right? Just me in one of my agitated states and actually showing it. Yeps. Rare. But it does happen. Could someone give me a punching bag? Or even DDR would be good now. Can vent my frustrations by forcing myself to dance some really fast songs. Mhmm.

Bah! Ok. At least I'm not typing in all caps. Now that's just going to be surprising. Mhmm.

5 questions

2007-03-20T23:53:00.000+08:00

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions to be a little more intimate insane!
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, ask them five questions.

Lol... I asked renee to interview me. And some of her questions were... Oh well. Some of them, I won't post on any of my public blogs so I'm going to be selective and choose which questions and answers to show everyone else.

Qn)If you had to throw all your soft toys away except one, what would that one be?

Yikes! I hate this question. It’s like between moo, panda and big doggie. Ok. It’s harder to decide between moo and panda. Yeps. Due to sentimental reasons, I’ll pick moo. But panda’s definitely more huggable. Sighs…

Qn)If tomorrow were your last day on earth, what would you do?

What would I do? Hmm… Write a will. Lol. There are some things that should go to some people. Yeps. But apart from that, I would ask all my friends out. Yeps, make them ‘pon’ school. =) Oops? But I would go out with each group separately. Make sure I say everything I want to say to those I care about (alternatively, write letters) But I prefer meeting up with everyone face to face. That’s it. Basically, just spend time with friends and family and say my last words to them.

Qn)Which fictional character would you want to be, and why?

Honestly, I’m happy being me. But if I had to choose… The first person that came to mind was Jaime from "A walk to remember"... Interesting choice, ya? Why? I guess I admire her and I'm pretty envious of her life. To be able to stand for what she believed in despite of peer pressure. And she was able to find someone who loved her so much... Even though she ended up dying from leukemia, I guess one of the best ways to die is to die with the knowledge that you're loved by someone and that the person would never forget you.

Mhmm... There. It was pretty enjoyable and yet, a torment to answer the questions... Yeps.

eventful day

2007-03-19T19:33:00.000+08:00

Heehee. What a way to start off Term 2. =p

Let's see. I started off the day by oversleeping. Only woke up at 7:47 (handphone time) and had to ask my dad to send me to school. The rest of the day went by as usual though. Yeps. Apart from me starting a star-folding trend in class. 0=)

Oh yes! There was an incident at the end of the school day which made my heart beat a lot faster. Walking down the stairs with mei, I lost my footing and tripped. I almost fell down the flight of stairs. But somehow, my reflexes kicked in fast enough and I ended up doing some really weird footwork down the next few steps. The sequence of events go something like this. Trip, tries to regain balance and somehow manage to walk down the next few stairs really quickly. Had a minor fear of walking down all the way to the first floor after that. =p And even a few minutes after that, my heartbeat was still rather fast and I trembled a bit when I sat down. Oh well. Heehee. The only good thing out of this whole incident is that I know I actually have decent reflexes if the need arises. =p

Ohh. Then went home and had a nice 2 hour long massage session by my grandauntie. Yeps. My shoulder and back have been aching and really tensed so ya... Requested for the massage session. Ouch. When she massaged my shoulder, it hurt a lot. Very, very tense. But it's slightly better now. Whew... =)

Ok. Enough blogging. Time to finish up homework and sleep early tonight. I don't need to oversleep again tomorrow. =p

abnormal behaviour

2007-03-18T22:15:00.000+08:00

Heehee. I should stop doing things like that. As my title says, abnormal behaviour. Start off with this morning... Only slept slightly after 3:18 Yeps. Then woke up half an hour after noon. Heehee. It's like the 2nd time I've slept at such an early/late time. I think I'm really becoming nocturnal.

The other instances of abnormal behaviour is when I went really hyper and hysterical over the phone with mei. Once in the afternoon and once just now. Heehee. Why does it fall under abnormal? Cause I haven't been so crazily high for a long, long time. Hey, that makes me sound so old.. =p Ok. You can tell the highness still lingers. Heehee. Excessive use of "Heehee".. Tsk myself. Anw, in the afternooon, I was just going a bit high about cute orisinal games. Especially the one with the doggies! So cute! Then also, the one when you can actually catch a shooting star! Lol. So yeps. There I was intro-ing the games to mei when I was supposed to do English essay... So I tsked myself over the phone a few times.

Then the phone just now was very crazy. I went very hyper and hysterical and laughed til tears came to my eyes. Then mei said that it's good to end the phone call on a high note so I made her sing a high note after saying bye. Rofl. I refused to put down the phone til she did that. Lol. I'm still laughing at the memory of that. Heehee. Time to try to calm down... Except that I don't think that's possible? A bit too awake. Oops? Heehee. -bounces around-

surrendering my wants

2007-03-18T00:33:00.000+08:00

It still surprises me how easily tears come to my eyes...

Just looking at the church bulletin for this week and seeing the advertising for "Timeless" on the front page, something stirred inside me. I want to see a certain person come for the event. Yeps. Anyway, fast forward to worship... The lyrics of this song really touched me. "Throne of Praise". The first few lines go like this:

As long as I have breath, I'll find a way to say
That I love you
Everything may change and the world may pass away
I'll still love you

Touching, isn't it? Hmm... Think about the lyrics. And you'll understand why I really like them a lot.

Last thing I want to blog about... The title of my blog entry. Earlier on, I blogged about wanting to see someone come to church. No, God didn't asked me to surrender that particular want. Rather, I've been wanting to stay in my comfort zone and in the later part of Term 1, I became so used to just staying within my comfort zone. I lost the courage to step out of it. I lost the initiative to reach out. For that, I'm sorry. God's been challenging me to not care about what others think, to fulfil His purpose. He has shown me the end result. He's given me a promise to hold on to. But now, it's the process that I've been resisting. I can't wait to see what He has promised becoming a reality. But for that to take place, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I stepped out of it before. But then after various incidents, I retreated back into my comfort zone once more. Even though the end result may seem almost impossible and at times, I do hesitate but I'm growing in my faith. That's the only way I can step out of my comfort zone. By believing in faith.

Another want that I was struggling with again today... I already blogged about how I'm considering not dropping physics at the end of the year. Today at the altar, I was just asking God to help me surrender my wants, my desires to Him. Art's been something that I hold close to my heart. One of my few regrets in life was stopping art lessons. So I really wanted to major in Art. At the end of Sec 2, during youth camp, God had asked me whether I would not take Art if He asked me to. At that time, it was more like a food for thought. The purpose of that question was to prove to me that there were things I held close to even though I thought otherwise. But now, I get this feeling that this round, it's not just simply a question. If I drop Art and take physics, I'm surrendering my dreams as well... By taking physics, it kind of means that I am willing to give up my dream job. I'm still seeking God as to what are the plans He has for me. I need Him to guide me. Especially for my subject combination for the next two years. It's a bit early to think about it but there's this urgency in me to find out the answer.

Yes, I do have homework to do but I think that this overrides homework cause I'm not just blogging... It's more than that. Yeps.

reflections on Pahang

2007-03-18T00:20:00.000+08:00

Oops. The previous entry was really badly written. >.< Yeps. It was obvious that I was just rambling without any real focus. And since I dislike deleting entries, I'll kind of do a repeat entry? But this round, it'll be better, I hope.

Let's see... Pahang was a break for me, I guess? In the sense that I was away from most of the issues, except for one. And even so, it was still bearable. I enjoyed each day and had fun in the various activities. I guess I was slightly more self-centered during camp and took more care of myself? Yes, I did look out for others but not to the extent that I do everyday. Ok. That sounds really self-centered and selfish. What I'm trying to say is that at times, I just gave some time to myself and it was just me and whatever I was doing. A good example would be during rock-climbing and caving. Times like that, it was really just about me and my thoughts.

Yeps, I still go rather high when I recount Pahang to others. That shows how much I enjoyed it? But yet, I don't wish it lasted forever. As mentioned in my previous entry, there are some things in Singapore that I can't or don't want to neglect. Mhmm... Yes, it's going to drain me again but hey, that's part of what I do. Hmm... With that, I'll end off all entries on Pahang. Overall, an experience I don't regret. Then again, how many of my experiences do I regret? =p

after Pahang

2007-03-17T15:29:00.000+08:00

Hmm... I need a break from doing homework so decided to blog. =p

It's been 2 days since I'm back from Pahang. Various blog entries on the Pahang camp have been popping out. One of the common points is how Pahang was so fun and if only it was longer, never ended, etc...

Do I wish it never ended? Strangely enough, no. Yes, I admit that the camp was fun and I enjoyed it a lot. I don't mind if it was longer but I need to be back in Singapore after awhile. Yeps. There are too many things that I miss and too many things that I need to do in Singapore. Commitments. Responsibilities.

Sighs. Pahang was a break, I guess. Not totally but good enough. The only part that I'm not that happy about is how I became a bit emotional during one night. Yeps. >.< Then again, I'm me. =p How is it possible for me to go through a few days without being emotional? =p

Hmm... I got to get ready for church now. Think I should end off the blog entry now. Especially since I can't really focus since too many things are going through my head. =p Yeps. Will probably blog again tonight.

thanks cassie mei!

2007-03-16T12:02:00.000+08:00

Heehee. Must have one entry where I thank mei for being with me through camp! =) Yeps. =)

Thank you for sharing the experience of Pahang camp with me.
Thank you for encouraging me throughout the night walk and having confidence in me.
Thank you for talking to me during camp.
Thank you for making me laugh.

But really, it was great getting to know you better and being friends with you during camp. =)

Hmm. A new term, a new beginning, ya? =) Take care, ok? No more grabbing of vines with thorns and all. =p

pahang camp

2007-03-16T11:09:00.000+08:00

Hmm... Think I'm still not in the right frame of mind to blog about Pahang but shall give it a try anyway. =p

Monday:
Reported to school with a fat and heavy bag. >.< Haha. Anyway, we were allowed to choose our own groups so was in the same group as cass, he na, wu rui, ju yi and yi chen. Yeps. Long long bus ride up to our campsite... Slept a lot, snacked a lot, played a bit of cards and watched "I not stupid 2". Highlight of monday was the night walk! =) We could walk into the forest(?) with a torchlight but we were challenged to not talk at all. But coming out was the difficult part. Had to turn off our torchlights and each group was given one candle and we were supposed to find our way out. 0.0 And it's pretty stressful to be the leader, as in the one leading the group out. I wasn't the leader of the group. Cass was. =) But yes, the nightwalk was challenging. Thankful that I have such nice supportive groupmates. =) Especially mei. Good thing she was right behind me and became my "eyes", looking out for the path to take while I concentrated on keeping the candle burning and not tripping over roots and all. =p Yeps. Yay! We managed to find our way out without too much help. =p Ohh. I think mei and I are 2 of the few who managed to see more than 1 firefly. =) Yay! It's so cute! To see this light flying about among the trees. =)

Ended off the day by joining some Tao Nan scouts at their campfire. Haha. That was fun! I mean, they were very spontaneous and would sing one song after another. Yeps. And they didn't have any qualms about shaking their bodies and all. Even at Pri 5, a lot of us already became very self-conscious? It's times like that when I think about how much of the child-like mentality I've lost. Yeps. Children just have this innocence and pure joy... But yes, really enjoyed the campfire. Heehee. Being a Brownie last time really helped. =)

Ohh. Me and mei got one tent to ourselves for the two nights that we spent sleeping in the caves, since the other group members didn't mind being in one tent. So yeps. =)

Tuesday:
Whee! I like that day a lot! =) Ok. Wait. I like every day of the camp. Haha. =) Let's see. Abseiling and rock-climbing. Whee! Abseiling was ok. Just a bit scared at the start. But I guess doing trust falls and just having this blind faith and trust in a lot of things make me feel less worried about leaning back on the harness. =p Yeps. -bounces- Heehee. I like rock-climbing! Yeps. Took the red rope even though it's harder. Oops? Have I mentioned that I like challenges? 0=) Yeps. Whee! I didn't realize that I actually have enough muscles to climb the rock wall. Oh, for those who don't know. The rock wall is an actual rock wall, completely natural. Not man-made. Yeps! Yay! Reached the top. =) At what cost? Erm. A few scratches here and there. Heehee. In fact, I noticed my right hand was slightly scratched on the way up and I was being rather fascinated by the cut. =p No worries, it's slightly less than 1 cm so yeps, nothing serious. Heehee. And I realized something interesting. Normally, I assure people that I won't hurt myself or anything since I can't stand pain but during rock-climbing, that mentality went out of the window? Since I didn't care if the rocks were sharp or not and just grabbed onto them. As long as I found my way to the top... Uhohh. Hope that focus doesn't apply for self-mutilation or anything. =p

Next part of tuesday's activities: caving! -bounces around- Ok. I think I'm nuts. I really enjoyed caving and erm... I want to do it again. Heehee. I like my mum's torchlight. It's bright! So yeps. But ya, it was fun exploring the various caves. Don't think anyone heard me but I was singing various Christian songs to myself during some parts of caving. I guess I was that awe-struck by the caves and marvelling at God's creations. Yeps. =) Hmm. I really wished we spent more time caving. I really enjoyed it. Just being part of nature and exploring without disturbing it much. Yeps. Had our own campfire at night. Hmm... Haha. It was enjoyable in its own way? Yeps.

Wednesday:
Took the bus to Taman Negara. Had to trek up to the summit of Bukit Teresek... 1720m. Not that bad except that it's mostly uphill and the path's not man-made. So it means a lot of sand, soil, rocks, roots, etc... Yeps. Pft. Mei grabbed hold of a vine that was in her way and ended up having scratches on her hand. Sighs. >.< But ya, the trek was rather exhausting. The view wasn't too bad but not spectacular. A lot of photographs were taken. Heehee. Think it's one of the few times that I asked for my picture to be taken. =p Then had to trek back down to the canopy walk. Hmm... Nothing that memorable but yeps, nice view. Had lunch in the boats before we went for rapids shooting! -bounces around- Was really really high. =) Pft. Why wasn't it high tide? But anyway, since I like water so much, really enjoyed rapids shooting. Heehee. There was this mini-war going on between the 4 boats. Yeps. Haha. Basically, each time 2 or more boats were side by side, then the boatman would use the paddle and spray water towards the other boat. =p So yeps, got very wet. Especially since my boatman used the oar and sprayed water towards me and mei. One of the problems of sitting in front? =p But yeps, I like water!

Dried up a bit before heading to the bus which drove us to the resort. =) Hot water shower! Thanks mei for letting me go first. =p Had dinner, then after that, it was free time til the next morning. Heehee. Most of us started wandering around and heading to other people's rooms. Yeps. 11 of us ended up in 1 room at one point in time. Yeps. Haha. Lots of card-playing and just talking about random stuff. Took a break and had supper before going back to May Fong's room. More cards. Then after that, wanted to go star-gazing but before that, some of us were trying to sleep awhile and going out to star-gaze but a certain person couldn't stop laughing. Lol. Yeps. But eventually, everyone quietened down. I fell asleep for awhile. =p Woke up and wanted to star-gazing but it was very misty so couldn't star-gaze. =( And yes, the new term was coined. Sighs. All because mei heard me wrongly... >.< Oh well. Went back to my room with mei. Yeps. Then ding came over and we started watching tv and commenting on the shows. Only slept at around 3 and woke up only at 6 plus. =p

Thursday:
Last day of the camp. =( Basically, a long bus ride back to Singapore. Slept til before lunch. Had lunch at KFC. =) Then after that, a lot of card playing. Then I got bullied quite badly. Being tickled and poked by the person beside and behind me. You two ahh... >.< Pft. Oh well. Heehee. Once we crossed the 2nd link, me and mei started trying to get back Singapore network. =p Replied the various smses I had and called various people. Mhmm. After we were dismissed from school, went for dinner with hao yi, ding, mel and her bf, mei. Yeps. Thanks Hao Yi for treating! -feels bad-But ya, hmph. Was bullied even during dinner. But dinner was rather nice? Buffet. =)

And with that, I've recounted how camp was generally. Heehee. There are other things that I didn't elaborate or what but ya, the gist of it has been covered. Hmm... Think it's time to have another entry. =p

instant relapse

2007-03-15T23:40:00.000+08:00

Sighs. I dislike the way my mind works..

Shall blog about pahang camp tomorrow since I'm not in the right frame of mind to blog about it now... Besides, it'll take time to blog a long entry and already told my parents that I'll sleep by 12. Mhmm...

Just blogging for the sake of ranting on about how much I don't like the way my mind works. Yeps. The title says it all. =p But yes...

Maybe I should stop reading fictionpress. But then again, that's not realistic and almost impossible. =p Oops?

before I go...

2007-03-11T20:32:00.000+08:00

Heehee. It's so fun to have a series of blog entry on each camp or trip. I think I'll make it a habit or something? =p The best example was the set of entries on last year's youth camp.

Anyway, I'll be at Pahang from tomorrow til Thursday. Going for an adventure camp organized by the school. Hmm... I got to admit that I'm placing quite a bit of hopes and expectations for the next few days.

Hmm... Even though this trip is optional and I could choose not to go, I guess I enjoy things like this? I mean, since I have the chance, why not go for it? Yeps. But pft. You two abandon me. -sniff- Sighs. Oh well. I'll treat it as training for the next 2 year? In the event that both of you aren't in some of my classes. =(

Whee! I've packed my bag. =) Thing is, it's so bulky... >.< Sighs. I blame it on the slping bag. Mhmm. Looking forward to tomorrow. Maybe I should sleep earlier tonight? Nah... Unlikely. Oh yes, I'll be bringing my handphone along so if you want, go ahead and message me but don't expect a reply til I'm back in Singapore. Bringing my phone more for the camera feature so yeps.

day in town

2007-03-11T16:34:00.000+08:00

I have no idea how I'm still up. >.< Heehee. I think I'm mildly proud of the fact that I only slept at around 4 this morning... Broke my record, I think. Mhmm.

Anyway, hitched a ride down to the Esplanade today since Dad wanted to go IT show at Suntec. Hmm... Was just throwing myself into looking for books and ended up spending more time looking for mei's books. In the end, just got her to come down. =p I am good. Heehee. Last minute notice somemore. While waiting for her, walked around Citylink.

Had to eat lunch so ya... Got a sandwich which was really filling. Heehee. Then walked around the usual shops. Interesting how my mood differs so much within a few minutes... First stop, MPH. Jodi picoult has a new book! Went a bit high... >.< Resisted the urge to buy it even though I had the cash. It's like $28 plus... After that, went to HMV. That was such a smart move... Ohh. Happy feet is now on VCD and DVD! =) Still waiting for the price of the soundtrack to drop before I buy it. Mhmm. Went over to the soundtrack section and was browsing through random titles. Somehow, the whole atmosphere and mood caused me to become really reflective and moody. Started thinking of things... It didn't get any better when I went over to look at VCDs. Found "Tuesday with Morrie" there. But it didn't really bring a smile to my face? Why? I'll explain later. Found a few more shows that I wanted but didn't get anything. Lack of cash for one. But there's one more thing... This thought came to me. I would rather not have a single one of the disc in exchange for the chance to go out with selected people and go crazy gushing... It's different when you're alone. There wasn't any point in gushing or going high. So yes... But guess what? There are too many things I want but out of so many of them, how many will actually become a reality?

Yeps. Met mei at esplanade and we went around looking for books for English. Accomplished what I set out to do. Found 2 really good books on "Phantom". After that, went up to the roof with mei and finished up the last bit of my sandwich. =p Hmm... I think that the Marina area is quite a good getaway place. Another alternative... =p But I'll have to focus. As much as I wanted to go out on Friday, work comes first... =( See how things go. If I can spare some time, I'll take another break on Friday.

His way

2007-03-11T01:38:00.000+08:00

I won't really do a recount of today's service or anything. Rather, I want to share what God has been speaking to me about.

Just a bit of background history first. My school's organizing a trip to Italy for the Art students but due to the price, my parents preferred that I don't go. And I guess I was a lot more disappointed than what I was willing to admit to myself. Since at the altar today, the tears were flowing partly because of that. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it and how I had to let it go. Since last week, God was already speaking to me about going for missions trip this year and it hit me that maybe that's why He's not making a way for me to go to Italy. Because that's what I want and not what He wants for me.

And today, the pastor was saying how interested youths should go approach their adult leaders about the missions trip. Mhmm. Approached Sis Fran and she asked about whether my parents agree. Oops. Didn't ask yet. So went home and asked them. Whee! They gave me the permission to go. But that doesn't automatically mean I'll be going. Still have to apply and go through a selection process. Yeps. It's probably during the June holidays. Don't mind though. I really want to go.

2 more things God's been talking to me about. I'll assume it's from Him since I'm definitely against this idea and this thought has never crossed my mind before but not, it's just lodged in my head like a thorn. I might not drop physics after all. In that case, I'll probably drop art and take triple science. =( Yes, I'm highly reluctant to do that. The reason behind it? Hmm. Short-term wise, it's because art's time consuming and my time can be better spent serving God. But long-term, it's because I might want to aim for taking a degree in medicine. I'm very against the idea. Ok. Corrections, it's not that I'm against the idea but rather, I see way too many obstacles in the way. I don't think I can do it. Medicine. I need high grades for that. And my grades are so high. -cough- As if. But yes, there's something that I really want to do: Go on missions trips. Even when I'm an adult, I want to go for missions trip and help others. If I did take medicine, I'll be more equipped with the skills and all to offer practical help and aid. So yes... Fortunately, I don't have to make a decision that soon. At least not until it's time for me to select my subjects...

And the last thing? The same issue that I've blogged many times about recently. God has opened my eyes to see how I'm afraid of being rejected. How I don't dare to reach out because I'm scared and fearful. Scared and fearful of rejection, of being hurt. But guess what? He's told me to press on. To not give up. And as hard it will be, I know I have to listen. Like what the adult leaders say, don't just try for 7 times, try for 77 times... I can't and I won't give up. Saw this line once,"Don't give up on the things that make you smile..." Some things matter too much to be given up. They're not to be let go of, no matter what the cost.

term 1

2007-03-11T01:28:00.000+08:00

Term 1 has ended. It really flew by. It's been one difficult journey to make. And sorry, I didn't make it out in one whole piece. In fact, I'm not sure if I'm even in two pieces.

Interesting how everything comes back full circle. Started off the term really low and depressed. Crying every day. Then in the middle of the term, I forced myself to glue myself back and pull myself together. I guess it kind of worked. At least my mood improved slightly. And though situations don't improve, I got by. But right at the end of the term, in the last week, the glue didn't hold anymore. Uhohh. But yes, go figure what happened. Basically, last day of school, we had inter-house games. Those who know about last year should know why I wasn't exactly looking forward to inter-house games and sadly enough, I wasn't proven wrong.

It wasn't just the past that came back to haunt me. The present too. Oh well. But there's only one thing that's mildly comforting. My heart definitely hasn't hardened. And yes, that was the lie in the 3 questions blog entry. That sight still brings tears to my eye. And I've failed you. So many times. I've lost the courage, the initiative and the strength. I'll try to improve next term. It doesn't matter what happens, a promise is a promise.

3 questions

2007-03-08T21:25:00.000+08:00

Three Names You Go By: Chermaine, chermy, jie

Three Parts of Your Heritage: Chinese, Singaporean, Thai?

Three of Your Everyday Essentials: Phone, friends, conversation

Three Things You're Wearing Now: Random shirt, imitation billabong berms, necklace

Three of Your Favourite Bands or Musical Artists at the moment: Avalon, Casting Crowns, Corinne May

Three of Your Favourite Songs at the moment: Everything to me, Can't live without You, Little Superhero Girl

Three Things You Want In A Relationship (other than love): trust, open-ness, sincerity

Two Truths and A Lie: I'm a child of God. I love someone. My heart has been hardened.

Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You: Height, smile, facial features

Three of Your Favourite Hobbies: Reading, talking, surfing the Internet

Three Foods You Cannot Do Without: sugar(who cares if it's not a food?), steamed fish, rice

Three Things You Want Really Badly Right Now: good health of my family and friends, love, be able to go for the Italy trip

Three Places You Want To Go To On Vacation: Australia, Switzerland, Italy

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die: scuba dive, spend time with my family and friends, have as many memories as possible (even if they're not pleasant.)

Three People I Would Like To See Take This Quiz: mei, nes, cassie mei

needing to improve

2007-03-08T20:06:00.000+08:00

Sighs. I rarely blog about academic stuff or anything related to studies but then again, there are always exceptions.

Hmm. Didn't blog about this yesterday but I calculated the CAP for each of the individual subjects to check whether I can Major with Honours in them... I didn't bother calculating Physics cause my grades are that bad. But out of fun, I calculated for Chemistry. Sighs. 3.3 But then again, it's unlikely that I'm going to Honours in it so ya... But my greatest disappointment came from Biology. Yes, I can do a Honours in Biology based on my current CAP but it's really low. I rather not put the CAP up here. Ya... On the bright side, didn't except my Maths CAP. 4. =) Ok... I think Maths has the highest CAP. >.< Which is ... weird? And it also speaks volumes about how low my standard is if my highest subject CAP is 4. Ya... So yes, I needed that reality check so now, there's even more reasons for me to do well.

One more thing on studies. Higher Chinese 'O' levels. Today during HCL, the teacher was talking about having the right attitude and all. I've always been one of those who feel guilty after those kind of talks. But today, I knew what the teacher was talking about already and was rather irritated by the teacher repeating himself again. See? The thing is, I have unreasonably high expectations for Chinese. Unreasonable because I know I haven't been putting in enough effort to warrant that kind of marks that I want. But yes, I really need to work harder for Chinese. I'm not contented with just scraping a pass for the 'O's.

Basically, I really need to work harder. To really throw myself into studying. Not just mugging but really putting in effort to learn. Most people would say such things and then resume slacking but considering how I rarely want to do well in studies so badly, I hope it means that this will not just be words, not just empty promises to myself.

touching.

2007-03-08T19:52:00.000+08:00

Hmm... Do I start blogging again on yet another book? Sighs. Time to prioritize though? There's physics. I'll just do a short entry on the book for now. Then maybe, I'll add in the quotes or something later?

Another book by Richard Paul Evans. His books are going to be on my wishlist. They're that worth it. For someone who borrows most of her books from the library and rarely buys books, I guess that says a bit? Mei was saying how she felt that "A Perfect Day" wasn't that well-written. True, maybe that's the case. But the reason why I like his books are because of the way they touch my heart. The phrases he use, the ideas and themes covered in his books. A lot of life's lessons can be found in the book. Was finishing up "The last promise" when I reached home. Half-lying on my parent's bed and reading it, I kind of lost track of how many times tears came to my mind. Don't think I was emotional or moody but just really touched...

The books I want to buy... Hmm. Think I'll put the list on my profile later. Yeps. Heehee. Sighs. The book was really realistic most of the time but thing is, books almost always have happily ever after endings. Will my story have one too? Reality check. My life isn't a fairytale, is it?

longing for a rest...

2007-03-07T23:12:00.000+08:00

This entry is probably to be rather moody or depressing? I want to avoid having such an entry again but I need an outlet to let it out.

I'll recount today. And maybe throw in a few other things...

Dialogue session with the principals. Not bad. I think it's the first time I voiced out my opinion in such a setting. Oh well. It's time for me to do that more, I think. I've been distracted and losing sight of my goals. But other than that, I want to know what I got myself into. Do I really want to be more active in school or is it just a way of distracting myself? If it's the latter, then I'll be very ashamed of myself... Only time and reflection will tell me the answer.

Fast-foward until Talent time auditions. Whee! It's great being nervous. I could see my fingers shaking. Mhmm. I feel bad for pulling down the other two. Sorry. But there's no point looking back and thinking that I could have practiced more or what. The only constructive thing I can do at this point is to pull in more effort and play well for the final round.

After that, lunch and the rest of mini-project. Hmm... Lunch was ok. But my mood throughout mini-project was rather unlike me? I wasn't depressed or moody but rather, irritated, frustrated, pissed off. Take your pick. It carried on from the auditions so ya... I guess how I react to situations is changing gradually. I can't afford to get moody or depressed so I just become irritated and all. Why? It's really fun to make myself feel stressed out. After being disappointed at myself, I had to stress myself out further by freaking out over what needed to be done and all. So ya... So I just immersed myself into researching for the mini-project for 1 hour and tried to push away anything that wasn't related. of course, it didn't work. Considering that... Forget it.

Oh great. It's really obvious to me that the irritation and frustration was to prevent me from breaking down since my mood has taken quite a drop. Oh well...

Then after AXIS, there was the field-trip to Evolution Garden. It was bearable, in a way. But it's just that there are too many memories at Botanic Gardens. And it's like rubbing salt into the wound when I wanted to find time to go Botanic Gardens but when I do go there, it's a school-related trip and I can't exactly go off alone. I can't tell whether it's a good or bad thing that I went for dinner right after the field trip... If I was left alone, what would have happened? Would I have taken the bus back to school or wandered around the place alone?

After the field trip, yet another proof of how circumstances are ganging up against me. Was walking from Botanic Gardens to Mr Prata and on the way, one of my bag strap broke. Sighs. Oh well. Time to change bag or something? Oh wait. It's almost 12 midnight and I haven't packed my bag. In fact, I have to find an alternative bag... Oh well. Must finish blogging first. =p

One of the highlights of the day though was dinner with mei, nes, cassie (mei) and angela. Finally got the chance to eat at Mr Prata. And yes, the bandung was really sweet but it still failed to make me go high. What a pity. And I suspect I'm rather dehydrated. Ok. Shall go drink a cup of water now. Back. After that, went to Venezia/Coffee Bean with mei and nes. A lot of sugar intake today. Bought a value pack and brought it to Coffee Bean. Bought a regular Black Forest. Ya... I've been educated on the rules of eating ice cream with mei and nes. Haha. Refer to mei's lj. I'm too lazy to blog about it.

Bus ride home was just ... Can't find a suitable word at the moment. But yes, even small things such as trying to balance on the bus and grabbing hold of something to stand still reminded me of stuff... Why? Oh well... It was interesting to observe my reflection in the glass window. Yeps, fine. My eyes show the sadness in me rather evidently. And even when I tried to smile, it was so obvious that it was forced.

Came back home and my mood didn't really improve so ya... It's obvious that I'm really tired. It's not just sleepiness by the way. It's deeper than that. And now, I realized that it's actually good that I blog. At least, I let a bit of it now instead of keeping it all inside. Besides, blogging helped indirectly too. Facing the reality makes me lose my control, which is good. I hate masking. I'm getting too good at it for my own good. Then again, it crumbles easily at times.

Whee! I just thought of a day in which I can be alone. Hmm... Tempting. =) See how? I'll blog about it if I do pull that off once more. Heehee. Anyway, better stop blogging now. Still got things to do. Mhmm. Goodnight!

the sunflower

2007-03-06T21:48:00.000+08:00

It used to be my favourite flower when I was young. But my taste changed as I grew older? Actually, I don't think I have a favourite flower now. Mhmm. Ok, that was just out of point. "The Sunflower" is the title of another book written by Richard Paul Evans. If anyone still remembers my previous blog entries, I said I borrowed 4 books from the library and that there's a book I'm almost definitely going to blog on. This is it. =) As usual, I want to blog about lines from the book.

There are times, it seems, that God throws a cosmic switch that moves the tracks beneath us, hurling our lives headlong in a new and uncertain direction. Of these times just two things are certain: It's best we don't know what's ahead. We can never go back.
My life has taken a new direction a few times... Just transferring from one school to another is a good example of how my life takes a new direction. Hmm... And this year, it's certainly taken a direction which I didn't expect. Only two things are certain? I'm not sure whether ignorance is bliss in this case. But I agree that we can't go back into time. I know it. Now, it's just a matter of accepting that.

Hope grabes on to whatever floats.
I know I grab onto whatever I can. Maybe that explains why I'm relatively hopeful?

The surest way to minimize your own burdens is to carry someone else's.
I suspect that's what I'm doing, which is a bit worrying. I don't mind. But if I'm doing it to minimize my own problems, then it's just wrong of me to do it.

As much as I have schemed and planned to the contrary, the most central experiences of my life have all been accidents.
I just find this line interesting.. Mhmm. But yeps, life's always unexpected.

"The moral of my little tale is that when love is right, things work out. Not necessarily the way you think they will, but they do work out."
How I really hope this line is accurate... Not just for myself, but also in general. If this was true, a lot of people would face less problems.

We carry around in our heads these pictures of what our lives are supposed to look like, painted by the brush of our intentions. It's the great, deep secret of humanity that in the end none of our lives look the way we thought they would. As much as we wish to believe otherwise, most of life is a reaction to circumstances.
Yeps! This line is similar to the other one. I certainly didn't expect how my life so far would have turned out. A reaction to circumstances? Ya... That's true. Considering that a lot of my decisions are based on circumstances.

Love is never convenient - and rarely painless.
Of course I agree. In fact, anyone who has been in love should agree. Since when was love painless? I'll like to know.

I've heard it said that to love someone is not to desire them but to desire their happiness. If this is true then I must question my love - because I desperately desire her.
I understand what the character was going through... I can't tell whether I desire the happiness of those I love or do I desire them? I really want to answer that. It will make my resolve stronger.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire - it extinguishes the small and inflames the great.
How do you define small or great? Hmm...

Love is stronger than pain.
This is one of the most memorable lines in the book... And it really touches my heart. Maybe that explains everything...

The book is nice. In fact, I highly reccomend this author. I've borrowed one more book written by him! =p Let's see how it is... Might or might not blog about it.

how tempting

2007-03-05T21:47:00.000+08:00

Whee! It's really tempting to just start dwelling in self-pity and feel sorry for myself or something. But that's one thing I really try to avoid. I mean, I go into depression and get all emotional but it's mostly because I'm upset or hurt or something along those lines... But today, it was tempting to start pitying myself but realized that was just pointless.

I dislike it when I don't get emotional. My mood tends to go to the other extreme. But at least that's more controllable than being emo? So maybe that's the bright side? But yes... Why am I doing this to myself? It's called purposely giving myself stress. So I shall stop all work today and slack the rest of the day away. =) And maybe get around to writing out more chapters of my story? At long last...

Heehee. Wanted to blog about the books I borrowed from the library but er... not in the mood to do that now so I'll postpone the entry, ya?

Ohh. Must end off the entry in a relatively better mood. Thank you cassie mei for the note! It brought a big smile to my face! =) Looking forward to Pahang. =)

day off

2007-03-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

Hmm. I let myself rest quite a bit today... Heehee. Oh well.

Let's see. I stayed up to read and couldn't put down the books til I finished them both. =p So that meant I stayed up til around 2 plus? 0=) Woke up at 12:30pm. Like what the?! I didn't expect to sleep in... Sighs. And my parents didn't wake me up. Wasted how many hours that could have been spent doing other stuff? Oh well. Did a bit of bio grp project and then watched the last episode of some Hongkong serial with my mum. Heehee. We could be directors. The way that we predict the ending... Accurately. Heehee. Decided to not care about biology lab report first and went swimming. It's been awhile since I went swimming. Didn't really swim much but at least I chased myself out of the house and exercised a bit.

After that, had dinner at IMM. Realized that it's the first time this year that I've been to IMM. The last time I was there was like in December?! Oh well. Was a bit apprehensive about going IMM since even that place contained memories. But I guess I'm improving gradually? I just try to enjoy the memories. Hmm. Skip dinner. Fast forward to walking around IMM. Whee! IMM is being renovated big time! Popular's going to be there too. =) Heehee. Anyway, it's turning to be a better hangout place. Nes, go there next time, can? Please... But ya, forsee that I'll be going there quite a bit. =p Went to the Christian store, which was next to Jigsaw Puzzle World! Heehee. Two nice shops side-by-side. Need to go back there with more cash. Mhmm. =) But ya, I want jigsaw puzzles! Saw even more nice ones. And those stained art jigsaw puzzles are expensive... =( $149 for a 500 piece one. I guess I'll stick to the normal ones. Heehee. Might go crazy this year and buy quite a few. Have a few ideas regarding jigsaw puzzles. =p Oh. It's time to start looking out for laptops. =p My dad's telling me to start researching and see what I want, then buy at the end of the year. =p Whee! Can't wait.

Anyway, today's been rather relaxing overall? Mhmm. Time off for myself. I mean, slacking's a form of resting but it's not enough at times? Today was just enjoyable. But as usual, it could have been better. =p Oops? High expectations?

time to try harder?

2007-03-04T21:56:00.000+08:00

It's become almost a routine to blog about service and occasionally FUEL? Which is good... It makes me reflect on what was shared and hopefully, stays in my head longer that way?

I think I'm spending way too much time just browsing at Manna. Ok.. That was random. Time to start the entry proper.

Service. I wonder why I don't go up and jump anymore? But I'm rather contented just worshipping God from my seat. So ya... Anyway, this whole week is Mission Convention. And after watching the video on missions, just felt this tugging at my heart. It hurt so much to see those kids who have so little... I want to do something for them. It's as if God is softening my heart even more. And for an instant, I understand why it may be a good thing that I'm not going for Italy. I'm hoping to have the chance to accompany the adults on a mission trip. It's not up to me but ya... I want to help and not just by donating money.

During altar call, God spoke to me about the same issue again. It's really essential that I believe in faith... There's still a part of me that doubts the reality of that happening. And I can't have that. I'm hoping. I want to see that image come true. Anyway, one more thing that God spoke to me about was how the "chains" are about to be broken. I saw this image of chains just being broken. How I wish it's true.. There are too many things holding me back. Too many things weighing me down. But yes... Each time I resolve to move on, I still don't let go completely. I'm hoping this round, it'll be different. The lyrics of this song came to mind," No limits, no boundaries. I see victories all around me..." I want to claim that.

FUEL. Heehee. Guesss what's the topic? Understanding and handling emotions... I was smiling and laughing to myself a lot. Mhmm. I wonder why.. Especially when the pastor shares about depression and various other stuff. Oh and that was the whole, "How people deal with emotions?" I fit into 2 of the three catergories... Avoidance and confrontation. =p As in, I push the issue to the back of my head at times but other times, I address it. Heehee. Contradictory. And that was one more thing that I couldn't stop shaking my head at... There was this part about what emotions should and shouldn't be. Emotions should be an alarm clock, serving as a warning. But they shouldn't be a trigger. Rofl. Let's see. Triggers's like one of my favourite word when it comes to memories and emotions? Oops.. Question of the day: Are emotions good or bad? There's no right or wrong answer, ya? But anyway, almost everyone should know what's my answer. If you don't, I'm rather surprised.

Yeps... Anyway, there were a few things that I really should learn. It's just head knowledge so far. I mean, I know how I should control and manage my emotions instead of letting them control me. But really, it's hard to apply them. I've always been emotional... Still am, I think. It's just less obvious (to most people) nowadays?

easily satisfied?

2007-03-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

Yay! Today was quite a good day? =) Heehee. Yes, like what my mum said of me last time, "ni hen rong yi pian." Didn't realize I was still so easily satisfied. Time to recount my day.

Shaln't blog about ACE or break or PE. Start off with Higher Chinese lesson! Test today... But whee! I like the comprehension passage. I think my taste's too predictable. Mei was commenting on how she was smiling to herself when she read the passage and knew that I'll like it. Heehee. It was talking about various aspects of love, etc... Think I spent too much time reading and enjoying the passage so had to rush out my answers. Oops? Math was math. Two quiz. Uhohh. I wish Mr Ng didn't show us our marks yesterday. Because now I'm placing more pressure on myself to improve. Good and bad? Higher expectations, that's for sure.

Lunch, nothing much. CCA, the usual. Ended CCA early. Pft. Why is the 6th floor out of bounds? I was being guai and didn't go up. It was agonizing to be in the computer lab and see it rain outside. But anyway, was wandering around school and realized that it's hard to find a place to be alone during CCA hours... Especially if I wanted to be near the rain. -cough- Laadeedaa. Sorry? But yes, after that, was loitering around school then tried out "Can you feel the love tonight?" on the piano, along with didi and Shi Yi. Mhmm. Left school at around 6 and headed to the library.

At long last... =) Whee! I went a bit crazy? First shelf, Jodi Picoult's "Second Glance". Borrowed it for mei. Then next shelf, Sparks. Realized I've read almost every other book written by Nicholas Sparks. Oh well... Which shelf next? Guess... Two authors whose books are placed quite near each other. Mercedes Lackey and Tim Lahaye. =) As I was walking to the library, I was hoping that I'll find the last book of the Left Behind series and yeps, you got it. It was there! Whee! Heehee. Then out of habit, checked out Mercedes Lackey. I mean, there are lot of books I haven't read but most of the first books aren't there so I wouldn't start. But yes! I saw a title that I haven't seen before and grabbed it. Was wondering whether I read it and whether it was the sequel and whee! It was the sequel. Exile's valor. =) Didn't expect to find any books from that shelf actually. Mhmm. So ya... Thing is, both books were big and in hardcover. 0.0 Oh well. And "Second Glance" isn't very small either. After that, checked out my new favourite author. Richard Paul Evans. Sighs. Jurong Regional doesn't have the first book in one of his series. And I'm a bit confused about the order of his books and whether they're stand-alone or part of a series. Even so, borrowed one that I was pretty sure was on its own. It fits the kind of books that I like. Almost sure that I'll be blogging about that book after I've read it. =) Anyway, started looking out for books on "Phantom of the Opera" because of English research project. I guess I'll have to go down to the Esplanade library? Anyone up for going with me? =p

Let's see... Anyway, that's about it, I guess? The library trip was the highlight of my day. =) But now, as I blog about my day, memories are coming back. And a lot of "What if.." and "If only..." came to my mind. =p Oh well. Shall try to enjoy the joy I found in such things. At least, I still can find the joy in such things... Whee! I want to start reading! =)

improvement?

2007-02-28T23:32:00.000+08:00

Today's been one of the slightly better days? Or at least, there were quite a few higher points today. Mhmm. =)

Ok... To be precise, I only enjoyed school from lunchtime onwards. =p Let's see. It's fun to analyze CSI for a mini-project. Watched two episodes today and was just recording down anything related to science, chemistry principles in particular. It was really enjoyable even though it's a project. I guess I enjoy doing projects? And with all the previous training in writing reports and all, I'm kind of looking forward to writing the 10-20 page report? Haha.

Mild sense of accomplishment because one episode that we chose to analyze was suitable for the project. Mhmm. Anyway, it's really interesting... Guess that's why it's more or less confirmed that I'll not drop biology or chemistry. Yes, I don't do that well in chemistry but hey, at least I'm more interested in it compared to my interest for physics... =p

After mini project, it was time for CF. =) Hmm. A big thanks to all those in CF! Unknowingly, you all made my day? Mhmm. Yeps. Ahh! I want more songs... Heehee. Next time, mass song transferring session after CF? =p

Then went home and was just having some fun trying to improve my singing. =p Or at least, become a bit more in tune? So yes... Was like using the tuner and my piano. So just sang various songs note by note, making sure that I was in tune. It's very fun! Heehee. And my piano's a bit flat... Oh well. But yay! I'm feeling mildly accomplished. After awhile, didn't need to play the piano and automatically could sing the note at the right pitch. =) But only some notes. Shall try to find time to improve my singing. May as well train myself for aural... And ya, it's painfully obvious how there's this mindblock in me about hitting the higher notes. I mean, before I started, I was reluctant to hit anything higher than B? Yes... Am I shocking anyone yet with the substandardness of my singing? =p Heehee. But ya, after awhile, just forced myself to hit a high D... But yes, just doing things because I want to makes life more enjoyable? =)

I guess today's been a rather good day overall? Of course there were a few low points but I'm getting better at pushing them aside and not thinking about them yet. Time doesn't heal all wounds. You just get more used to some things and the pain becomes a constant... I guess I learn to cope in one way or another?

gaining back my focus

2007-02-27T23:49:00.000+08:00

Tsk... And there I was, coping relatively well and being focused on God. The past week or so, I guess I've been distracted by other stuff and didn't set aside time for TAWG. I've learned the hard way what happens when I lose my focus on God. Neglected TAWG for around two weeks and resulted in me struggling with various issues and getting really tired all over again.

At least, I've realized my mistake, I guess? I made the right decision last Friday to spoil myself and buy a book. It's time to gush a bit about the book? The book's entitled "The Divine Dance". No, it's not a fiction book. For once, ya? But anyway, the book is really for young women and talks about performing for God, not for the world. Throughout the whole book, each girl is compared to a dancer and there are various comparisons between dancing and our life. Yeps. It's quite a well-written book.

Anyway, while I was reading it, a lot of the lines were jumping out at me. Things such as how we perform for the world, being real as we live our life, etc... Time to quote a bit...
"Being real hurts because it makes us vulnerable. When we bare our souls, our hearts are open targets for attack. But we usually can't touch another heart until we open our own hearts."
When I saw the first two lines, I was smiling at the truth of the statemen. But what I really needed to read was the last line. That's the reason why I'll keep my heart open? That's the reason why I'll continue being who I am even if it makes me vulnerable. Mhmm...
"God did not hide His heart from the world, and neither should you."
Ok. That settles it? Something that I shall remind myself whenever I consider putting on a mask and acting...

I want to just immerse myself in such books... Lines like thse are in high demand. Why? Well, a lot of them just speaks to me about life's situations. The reason behind the situations, the appropriate reaction and at times, explanations...

faith

2007-02-25T13:47:00.000+08:00

It's really, really coincidental when yesterday, the pastor preached about this topic: living a life of faith.

The first thought I had was "not again". What, with the mention of faith in "A walk to remember" and all.. Oh well.. But really, faith is what I need more than ever? After all, there's no such thing as having too much faith. Oh well. But I guess I'm just going to fast-forward to altar call.

I'm still trying to figure out what God wants me to do about that situation. The thing is, letting go completely is not the solution. I know that for a fact. But ya, at the altar, the same image came to my mind again. It's been a month or so but that is one image that's still impressed upon my heart.. I want to see that image become a reality. And somehow, I keep having this thought that it'll come true by the end of the year. Although things don't seem to be falling into place, I guess I'm really just living on faith and hope? What I can do now is just to believe...

mercy

2007-02-24T15:18:00.000+08:00

That's the title of a book written by Jodi Picoult. What made me choose to buy this book? Really, it was the last line of the summary at the back, "What does it mean to truly love another?"

The whole book touches on the topic of loving another person and how far one was willing to go in the name of love. The whole conflict in this story was about how one husband killed his wife because she was suffering from cancer and asked him to kill her. He loved her so much that he was willing to do anything for her... Another topic that I really like was how one person was always the one who gave more in the relationship. Often, things like 70-30 and 60-40 cropped up. Anyway, time to start quoting then I'll blog more...

You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride."
Is this true? I don't think it just applies to marriages. Relationships, friendships... It's like that, isn't it? There's always someone who holds on tighter? I guess that's why I'm always hurt so deep, yes? Even now, I haven't given up on you 3. It drained me a lot last year but this year, I guess I've gotten more adjusted to it? Oh well...

'I'm the one like you,' Jaime said. 'The one who fell first. The one who would do anything to keep it the way it was at the beginning."
I really need to stop feeling like the characters. Yes, I think I would do almost anything to keep certain friendships the way they were at the beginning. Hmm. 4 people are almost constantly in my mind when I think of friendships nowadays. In fact, this entry will have a lot of references to them?

'I loved her so much I let her go.'
First though: "Fly away" by Corinne May. Same idea. "I love you too much to make you stay... Baby, fly away". That's a line from the song. It's because of things like this that I question how deep is my love for people? Can I let them go? Last year, it was those 3. Now, I don't know who I'm supposed to let go and who I'm supposed to hold on to. I want to hold on to you 9 for as long as possible. But is that what's best for everyone? Is that what's best for you? I have my doubts... Sometimes, if you love someone that much, you let them go. That's a lesson I'm going to have to learn the hard way, I guess? Things like this, only after going through the experience, will I truly be able to understand this...

... since any fool could tell you that neither calendula nor any other potion known to man could possibly soothe right through to the soul.
How true, ya?

Allie remembered once hearing a song that said the first person you fell in love with stole your heart. The first person you made love with stole your soul. And if these were one and the same, you were damned.
Has my heart been stolen? That's a rhetorical question, don't you agree? Hmm... Interesting quote. That's all I shall say.

Got to get ready for church soon. Why do I know the tears will probably fall again? Hmm. There were still more quotes that I like. I might have another entry on it. Depends. That's all for now...

conversation with mei...

2007-02-24T15:09:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Went Jurong Point yesterday after CCA ended... Quite interesting? I'm being way too impulsive when it comes to buying things. Bought another book for myself. I'll be blogging about it soon. =p Knowing me, I'll probably buy the Happy Feet soundtrack next. Heehee. Shall resist the urge to go down to a CD shop soon...

But anyway, back to the title. Took the bus back with mei after leaving Jurong Point. The conversation wasn't very light-hearted, ya? Sorry... Covered some topics and all. Interesting comment she made. It's something along the lines of how my style is like in terms of friendship. I'm not purposely being vauge but can't remember what was it she said. But this question came to my mind... Shall blog about it when I'm blogging about "Mercy"... =p

Realized that I'm actually quite open and honest with mei and vice versa. Guess that's why we're not too worried about sharing a room and all next year? Hmm... Ok. I want to blog about a book and start quoting! So time to end this entry and have another entry! =) Heehee. Might have 4 entries today... Maybe even 5, one more after coming back from church? Who knows...

a walk to remember

2007-02-24T14:48:00.000+08:00

Yay! Finally got around to watching it after having the disc for how many months. Was a bit hesitant before watching the show since I've read the book and I know how this story can get rather emotional and all... But mei was singing the praises of the show and I really wanted to watch it so just laid down on my bed and watched the show on my computer. Must really be thankful that my dad bought a LCD screen for the computer inside my room, for the purpose of letting me watch DVDs and all.. =)

There's really a lot that I want to blog about on the show... Sighs. Except I have no idea where to start.

Hmm. I think I've got it. I'll start off with this verse that was repeated during the show. Once when Jaime gives him the book and at the wedding... I prefer the version at the wedding.
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes..."
When I watched this show and heard this verse, both times, I thought of seeing the line written down in a notebook. But anyway, the last line is especially meaningful. Maybe that explains why I'm still like that even after everything? It's not whether I'm nice or not, it's more than that.

The movie was different from the book in some areas but still as touching. There were so many times that I understood the feelings of the characters. I think this is one show that made me cry so many times til I lost track. Especially during the songs... "Only hope" and "Cry"... I was waiting in anticipation for the latter song. I miss hearing the song as I first heard it. But that's one version that I can't obtain that easily... Oh well. At least, I have the songs on my computer.

The ending's just so bittersweet. Not an exact quote but there was something about how just like the wind, love is something that you can't see but you can feel it...

listening

2007-02-24T14:37:00.000+08:00

Hmm... I had to end off my entry on thursday since I couldn't really focus on blogging while chatting on MSN and talking on the phone. Normally, multi-tasking those 3 things is not a problem. But on thursday, all the conversations required my full attention. I was already stretching myself with MSN and the phone call already.

Surprisingly, my mood wasn't affected that badly or anything even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by the sudden jump in conversations. And these conversations weren't just topics on the surface... A lot of the conversations became rather deep, something that surprised me. Honestly, I was being forced to face a few issues at the same time on thursday but I welcomed it?

I realized why I could stay in control even when I felt overwhelmed. Let's deal with one issue at a time... Was talking to Glo on MSN. Hmm. Glo, you didn't know how good your timing was. Heehee. But yes, had to face certain things head-on. I hope that things can be resolved between those 2? Times like this, I do wonder whether my staying on would have prevented all these. It seemed as if everything went downhill after I left. Sighs. The only reason why I ever wanted to go back to NY is because of you 3... 3 of you, please take care? Hope to meet up with you all together one day soon.

Another MSN conversation. Hmm... I wasn't too surprised that you opened a conv with me? But anyway, please believe me when I said it wasn't your fault or anything. Don't want you to feel guilty or bad. Smile, ya? =)

And then talking to renee on the phone and trying to help her out with some stuff. -cough- Heehee. It was rather amusing and interesting. Didn't think I would have to help you with that kind of situation that soon. Guess it's just as well I'm used to things like that?

But yes, I realized that I'm ok and cope with functioning as a listener/comforter. It's something that comes naturally to me, to listen, to comfort, to be there. I guess I thrive on things like that? So ya... That explains a lot, doesn't it? But ya... Someone once said that something along the lines of how being there for others and all kind of became a job, a responsibility. Well, I understand it more than ever now. It's second nature to do things like that. It's always been and hopefully, it always will be.

taxing day for my eyes..

2007-02-22T20:16:00.000+08:00

Heehee. I apologize to my eyes. Woke up this morning with sore eyes. Ok, to be exact, a sore eye. Guess I shouldn't have rubbed that hard and that long last night. =p It was irritating. But yes, it's like my first time having sore eyes.

Didn't realize it was contagious and still came to school. =p But ya, it got better throughout the day so whew. Didn't want to skip school today. Thought it would be a good day but then again, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if I skipped school today. At recess, me and mei were debating about whether thursdays were the worst day of the school week or not. I disagreed with her but then again, today's been quite tiring.

Lessons were rather ok overall. Maths, ok. English. Hey, it's english. Don't think you'll hear me complain about it much. But yes, was making an observation about myself after reading a passage in english. Shall blog about that some other time. Lunch. Possibly the worst time of school today. Thanks mei and nes. Heehee. One of the advantages of being in a school that specializes on science: the library is well-stocked. =) Art was ok. Chinese... I just took the chance to sleep. Wish I could have stayed awake to watch the show though. Physics. Just stoned. Test results were not too surprising. Math test. Hmm... Careless mistakes?

Yay! It was raining! But yes, used up my rain quota for this semester so couldn't enjoy the rain? =p Hmm... Was guai and used an umbrella on the way home. So there...

Anyway, I can't really multi-task so I shall stop blogging now. Will blog again some other time.

gushing in Orchard

2007-02-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

Went out yesterday to Orchard with gan jie and her friend... But after they had to go, I was left with around 1 hour plus to wander around orchard before I met up with my relatives for dinner.

A lot of gushing was going on when I was in orchard so here goes... =)

Went to kinokuniya to just look at stuff... Saw jodi picoult and was going all crazy since they had almost every book there, including the three that I haven't read. I've never seen two of them before?! Ack. Too bad I spent $20 earlier on in Plaza Singapura so didn't buy anything. Yet. =p Wandered around Kino and chanced upon this whole row of scores! Imagine this. One whole shelve of scores of Christian scores. Then times the shelve by 7 to 8 times and that's like scores of pop songs and soundtracks. Guess what was the first soundtrack that caught my eye? Ice princess! =) Then on the other side of the shelves, classical scores, Disney and musicals... Was rather high internally and gushing but somehow, it lacked the usual highness? Really wished that anyone was there with me to join in the gushing. I mean, Kino's better stocked than any store I've walked into for the past few years. All the scores I want in one place! =) After awhile, had to drag myself away from there. Went to look at the stationery section. Saw a lot of thin files with nice design! But since I had only $20 and had to buy various things, I resisted the urge to shop first and continued window-shopping.

Next stop: Art friend! -bounce- Ok... I was guai. Limited myself to the paper section. Was pulling out random pieces of paper and trying to decide which ones were nicer... Heehee. I should go back there with more money. But ya, finally got around to buying paper with nice patterns/designs. Decided I needed a file to protect the paper since I was carrying a small slingbag so yes... =p Does that sound like an excuse? Heehee. Oh well... Bought one file and then realized I could afford one Jodi Picoult book so yes... Spoilt myself by buying one of the books. =) In case you don't know, I rarely buy things so impulsively and with my own money. =p Was debating whether to get one more file... But since I couldn't decide between the various designs so didn't get. I mean, how does one pick between designs cute dogs, waterfall, dolphins, patterns, sky, ocean? It's craziness. So went around the rest of the stationery section and managed to freak mei out over the phone. Basically, I saw this whole section of really nice stickers and was talking in an unusual tone of voice. =p Poor mei...

Walked to Borders but due to time constraints, it was really just walking through without really looking out for specific titles. I have perfect timing! Crossed the traffic light and saw my cousin, her husband, my aunt and grandmother in the car at the traffic junction and so hopped on. =) Heehee. Nice example of good timing, ya?

pendant

2007-02-19T19:17:00.000+08:00

I didn't need to see my cousin wearing that pendant. Of all the pendants in the world, why that one? Sighs... I'm sure you three would have similar reactions if you all saw that pendant.

Yes, it's that one. Heart-shaped. Sparkly. Now, I wonder what that reminds me of... Not just the character who wears it but rather, it triggered off this whole set of memories. And the last thing I needed was to start reminiscing about the past and get all reflective when my relatives were around. Sighs. But yes, that pendant and various other things just have way too many memories?

I miss those days. How about you three?

what i want to do...

2007-02-19T15:51:00.000+08:00

Sighs. I really dislike having to pick between who to go out with. It used to be so much simpler last time?

I've got a bit of homework to finish up but I'm not in the mood...

I want to watch the two disc that my friends burned for me.
I want to go somewhere and just rest.
I want to meet up with my friends.
I want to write a letter.
I want to type out the next few chapters.
I want to practice piano.
I want to play the guitar.

Whee! There's way too many things that I want to do. And firstly, I need to finish my homework. Sighs... Enough blogging now. I'm not being a good host. There are guests at my house so out of my room, I go.

1st day of CNY

2007-02-19T00:05:00.000+08:00

Before I start blogging about how chu yi was, I feel like being random and commenting on how my phone shares the same taste for sweet stuff as me. With the previous phone, it was honey. And then now, this current phone likes ribena and miranda... Oh well. =p Too much sugar is bad for it though so have to keep it away from sweet stuff. =p

Ok. Let's see... It's weird to not go around visiting people and taking mandarin oranges. And dressing-wise, I'm not used to not having to doll up in bright colours and all... I was wearing white and brown today?! Whee! Must thank my mum for the new top. Collared blouse.. =) Went grandmother's house for most part of today. By the way, the prosperity burger that McDonald sells is super spicy and hot! My relatives were commenting on how they could see me sweating.. But ya, the black pepper's hot. My cheeks were rather pink after that. Did a bit of maths but gave up and went upstairs to sleep. Told my mum to wake me up at 3 but she didn't hear me so I only woke up at around 4. I slept for like 3 hours?! Sighs...

Went Changi Village for dinner. Then stopped for awhile at Changi beach just to enjoy the breeze... Anyone wants to guess what went through my head/what was my mood? =p Whee! I don't really like Changi beach because can't go down to the water but the breeze there is really nice and relaxing. Was just enjoying the wind and hearing the waves. Sighs. I think I need to retreat somewhere for a couple of hours again. Although sleeping's a good alternative, I need something more than that. Quite a few potential places in mind. Hmm... KIV. But not anytime soon. I can't find the time. Weirdness. I can find time to accompany others but I can't find time for myself. Sighs. After going to Changi beach, was driving home when dad realized we were near Marina and the fireworks were about to start so he drove around that area til the fireworks started. Pretty! That's all I want to recount about the 1st day of CNY...

Time to backtrack a bit to Saturday. Was staying up to watch the Saturday night movie. Mei, you realize that we're watching it every week if possible? Tsk us. Anyway, while watching the show, realized how much I want some things but probably won't have them anytime soon. Sighs. I shall blog a bit further on this. Last time, I had item 1 but I wanted item 2. Then I had item 2 and was so contented and didn't really need item 1 anymore. But after awhile, I lost everything. And now, I have none. I want and quite possibly need at least one of the items. Is it too much to want those items again? It hurts when you don't have what you want but it hurts even more when you had it once but lost it. By the way, item 1 and 2 are quite similar and they really are items, not references to people or anything, ok?

Enough weird, random thoughts. Ohh! Shall end off with this quote from someone which amused me greatly, "Dang, I feel so scandalous." Heehee... You'll never guess who said that. No, not me. =p

another day

2007-02-17T17:35:00.000+08:00

Uhohh. I shouldn't read fictionpress stories. Even if they're not about romance stories, anything that has to do with friends just tears away the mask on my face and removes the plaster on my heart... Sighs.

Ok. That was just a spur of the moment thought so ya... Anyway, let's recount yesterday? CNY concert. Messed up too many times. I'm just choosing to forget about it and move on. But really, I know I could have done so much better. Went back to HPPS. Hmm, I need to find time to go down and talk to the teachers. It's nice to talk to them. Went to ZX's house after that with ex-classmates. Just slacked around. Whee! Playing pool is fun. I want to play more often. Basically, anything that makes me focus on it and forget about everything else is good. =p >.< I should stop saying things like that. But yes, I realize that I need to control my mind and stop thinking about stuff. It's not good for me.

There isn't that much to blog about? Oh well. Unlike most of you, I'll be home for quite a good part of the CNY holidays since I can't go visiting. I guess I'll try to use the time to catch up on my sleep and also get down to doing some stuff that I've been postponing. On a side note, my room is so much tidier now. Been packing the afternoon away..

long day..

2007-02-15T22:38:00.000+08:00

Heehee. I should stop keeping this up. Today's the 2nd day that I reach home past 7 and tomorrow, I won't be home til 10 plus or so? Yesterday was due to rehearsal. Today was because I met up with mel and stayed at Holland Village til 9. Tomorrow, CNY concert, visit HPPS, going out with ex-classmates, church. Tsk myself. Oh well.

A recount of today. The most unforgettable incident of today. Towards the end of recess. Heehee. Mei pointed out something and I was like "Oh dang". Then she asked why. So I explained to her the whole concept of triggers and all and how I link everything together rather well, in fact too well at times. So we were going up the stairs and I was explaining things to her when she tells me that someone's here. I didn't hear her until she repeated herself. Then I looked up. Yeps. The timing's rather unnerving. Then once you walked past us, I started laughing. Think you heard it. But yes, I was laughing at the irony of the whole situation... Heehee. I am one weird person. Seriously, such a thing becoming the most unforgettable incident of the day. And my whole reaction... Oh well. Let's see what else happened today. The whole frantic rush to find something suitable for tomorrow. Holland Village. Dinner. Talking with mel. Parallels.

Ohh! I need to add on to the previous incident. After that, we had english. Whee! I love the passage we were doing for English, "Finding true love". Rofl. Sorry. I cannot help but be really amused at the irony of everything. I don't even need my mind to link things together. Situations just come and trigger off memories. ziah... Heehee. I don't know what mood to be in nowadays. Too many times, I'm learning how to tread the fine line between things. Laadeedaa. Oops?

Ack. Nervous about tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it. There's this fear and apprehension. Wonder why... Never mind, it'll all be over by 11. Have I mentioned that I love it when things can be interpreted more than one way? =p

14th feb

2007-02-14T20:32:00.000+08:00

Wishing everyone a Happy Valentine's Day! Or whatever's left of it anyway. =p

Hmm. I'll do a quick recount of today before I start blogging about my pet topic. =p Heehee. Let's see. Thanks mummy, cass, melanie and charmaine for giving me V-day prezzies! =) And all those that wished me a happy vday! =) Highlights of today. I'll blog in the word/phrase style. =p

Singing competition. Impromptu introduction. Unexpected results. Class unity. Red t-shirts. Amusing "commentary". Suitability of guys. -cough- CNY rehearsal. That's all. Honestly though, I think today was one of my worst V-days ever. No, it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm single or what. I've always been single throughout the years so ya. =p But rather, too many things going through my mind at various times. At the start of the day, worrying took up quite a bit of my time. Then as the day progresses, worry continued and tiredness and sleepiness came to join it too. So ya... Surprisingly though, I haven't gotten moody. Just tired. Oh well... Enough about today. Time to move on to the next part of the entry. =p

Valentine's Day. A day that people give gifts to their other half or to those they love. Of course, it's not just limited to love between couples. I mean, my mother gives me a little something special each year on this day so yeps. Hmm... Do we have to wait til the 14th of Feb before we give gifts to others? Oh well. That was on a side note.

What's my pet topic? Relationships. Heehee. Or at least mei claims it is. I'm not really objecting. Since it's V-day today, I think it's a rather appropriate time to blog about my personal opinion and all on relationships and other stuff. Warning: the following paragraphs will be pretty disorganized...

More and more teenagers are getting into relationships. That's an undeniable fact. But what is the point of getting into a relationship? I used to ask those around me that. When were you two considered a couple? When you're single, you tend to have many questions and watch with interest those couples around you. Sadly enough, I think that our generation at times don't really treasure and value relationships. How do people move on from one relationship to another so fast?

Love. How do you tell when you love someone? I mean, apart from the extreme cases of "I'll die to save the person" and stuff like that... How do you tell that you're really in love? Provoking question. I can't answer it. But I can say that I have loved before. Don't start thinking wrong. It's perfectly normal to love my family, ya? =p Heehee. There. But yes, I guess this blog entry's been enough about questions and generalizations. It's time to be egoistic and blog about my own experience and all..

Of course, I've had my share of crushes and all. Looking back, I half-cringe and smile at those memories. But I've also learned what it means to love someone, to care for someone so much that you place the person before yourself. Ya, I do that for most of my friends but for some of them, the extent that I do it has been considered a bit "crazy" and "extreme", I think. =p As someone pointed out to me before, "They are your world." Sighs. I think I've been putting this next part off for as long as I could.

Love is one powerful emotion. It's successfully knock down any barriers and walls I've placed within myself over the past weeks. No matter how I tried to ignore it, I can't. I still love you. That's never changed. Yes, I'm saying this openly. I love someone. People have been telling me I'll get over it and all but honestly, I doubt it. The feelings are still as strong as before. Sighs. Why the sigh? Because I really feel so helpless. It wasn't easy coping with loving someone but it was still bearable but now, helplessness has taken on another level. Sighs. But loving someone means wanting what's best for the person, right? So because of that, I've got to learn how to move on. How contradictory. To love someone and yet have to move on. Sighs. But it makes perfect sense.. Though it's tempting to write one of those dedication entries, I don't think it's suitable so nope, not blogging anymore on this.

Heehee. To end off this entry, just want to say "I love you" to all my friends. I love you all in the strictly platonic way, ya? Everyone, please take care. Happy Valentine's Day!

agape love

2007-02-13T22:46:00.000+08:00

Overpriced roses, heart-shaped chocolates, you just know what it's about to be Valentine's Day. I'll reserve blogging about my pet topic til tomorrow. =p That'll be interesting... This entry and tomorrow's might overlap quite a bit.

What is agape love? It's commonly used to describe God's love towards us or love between Christians. But it can still be defined clearer. Agape love is unconditional. How many of us can say that we have loved someone unconditionally? No matter how often I've said those three words to others before, I can't say that the love I had for others was unconditional. It's still human nature to want something back in return, it's just whether you realize it or it's subconscious.

Anyway, two weeks ago during altar call, I was reminded of the whole concept of agape love. Refer back to that entry if you want. But yes, it was after that altar call that I realized how unconditional God's love really is and how I fall so short of showing that love to others. Have you ever done something wrong and you were sure others would judge you for it and criticize you? Ever felt unworthy to be forgiven? I know I have. But as this adult leader prayed for me, she was reminding me of how God forgives me of everything. And even now, I'm still so amazed by it. Loving someone for who they are, no matter what they do. It's not easy. I know what I feel isn't just a crush. And now, I'm hoping that one day, I can love others the way God loves me. Unconditionally. Selflessly. Subconsciously, I realized I do want something in return when I love others. That was the main issue I was struggling with for the past few weeks. I think I've understood the concept of agape love. That was the easy part. Now, the challenge is to show it to others. I'm trying. I've been trying.

5 love languages

2007-02-12T18:59:00.000+08:00

Since Wed's Valentine Day, I guess I shall stop practicing self-control and start blogging these whole series of entries on love and anything related to that. Finally... It's been accumalating over the past few weeks. Heehee.

Hmm. 5 love languages. For those who don't know, it's words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of services and physical touch. Basically, these 5 kind of sum up the ways of showing love to a person. Yeps. Everyone's different so it's a given that people have different love languages. What is your primary love language? Or to be put it most simply, which love language out of the 5 is the most important to you in a relationship?

Love languages in a relationship consist of how you show your love to the other person and also how you want them to show their love to you. No prizes for guessing my love languages. But actually, it's changed a bit over the years.

In my childhood days, I know gifts from my mum certainly made my day. But apart from gifts, words of affirmation and quality time were especially important to me. In fact, quality time was probably the most important thing for me in primary school. That would explain why I dislike him so much even though he pampered me with everything I wanted. Sighs.

But anyway, it's changed slightly in secondary school. Yes, I still like gifts and you should see my reaction whenever I receive something I like but they're no longer as important. I did a test recently.. My primary love language is quality time, which had 10 points. And then, a bit of a surprise. Physical touch at 8 points followed by receiving gifts and words of affirmation which were tied at 5 points. Hmm... I'll start off with my preference in the 5 love languages. Quality time's always been very important to me, guess that's why my friends take priorities over a lot of things. It's true, I value quality time a lot so one of the things that always hurt is when I'm deprived of quality time with friends.

Physical touch. Before anyone starts thinking in a twisted way, let me clarify. Physical touch can also be hugs between friends, ya? But yes... The past month, I realized that I really needed a hug from one of you. Erm, hope this doesn't hurt anyone but I was rather disappointed, I didn't get it. Oh well, the few of you have always been good listeners and all but only 2, maybe 3 of you ever understood physical touch as a love language. Thanks to those who've hugged me before when I'm down. I think I'm dwelling in lower secondary memories again. Still remember that time after the abortion video? I broke down and you came over and hugged me. Thanks. =) You know who you are. In fact, thanks for everything you've done in the past and recently. =) Ok. That was side-tracking a bit. But yes, physical touch means more to me than I let on, I think. I didn't even realize it myself til recently. Oh well.

I think I've blogged enough about what I expect from people. Time to analyze myself and see how well I know myself. I know what I want, but do I know what I give in return? Actually, it's pretty obvious too, yes? I give what I want. Quality time, words of affirmation. Physical touch, not so much. As I said, only 2-3 of you ever fell under that catergory of people who I hug. But yes, quality time. I try my best to give whatever time I can to my friends. Guess that's why all the 3 hour conversations over the phone and all comes in? And trying to meet up with you all as much as possible. Words of affirmation... Think I've cut down a bit on that. After a few incidents, I think actions really speak louder than words so I prefer to spend quality time instead of just promising that I'll be there. So yeps...

Hmm... There's this book by Gary Chapman titled "The five love languages". Still haven't finished reading through it but think it's a book worth reading. Often, relationships fall apart because we aren't meeting the other person's needs, we're not speaking the same love language... Mhmm. And with this, I'll end off. Don't just think about what you want from the person, think about what the person wants from you. =)

restless

2007-02-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

Only after I typed the title, did I realize how there can be more than one meaning to the word. I'm restless. Originally, I meant it as "I can't sit sitll, can't settle down to sleep, etc". You get the idea. It's way past my normal bedtime. Oh wait, what is my normal bedtime again? Nowadays, sleeping before 11 is a treat. In fact, sleeping before 12 is surprising enough. Uhohh. Yes yes, I should go sleep but as I said, I'm restless. =p Besides, so many things to do, so little time.

But fine... I'll attempt to make this entry short. The other meaning of the word "restless" is just simply breaking the word up, rest less or in other words, not enough rest. How true, ya? For those who know my meaning and definitions of sleep and rest, you should understand. At times, sleeping is a form of resting. And ya, I'm definitely short of that. But apart from sleeping, I am really lacking rest. I can't rest anymore. I mean, I either rest with people or there's always that incident of going down to Sentosa to rest alone. But now, I'm reluctant to rest with people and as much as I have places in mind to go too, time doesn't permit. If it does, trust me, I will. But yes, I think I need to rest soon. As in, really rest. But for now, sleep shall be my rest. It helps a bit, I guess. As long as I fall into one of those dreamless sleeps and don't wake up til the next morning... At least, that's been the case so far. With a few exceptions. =p

'O' level results

2007-02-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

Heehee. Was reminded that I've yet to blog about my 'O' level chinese results. Didn't want to have 5 entries in one day so didn't bother blogging it last night.

For those that know my results already, it's no surprise why I'm in no hurry to blog about it. I'm disappointed with them. Here goes... B4. When I got it, I just saw the 'B', not even the 4, ok? And that was bad enough. On the bright side, got distinction for oral. Redeeming factor. Mei was influencing me and we started laughing and going hysterical over our results instead of being all moody and all. Normally, this would hit me quite badly and I'm ashamed of it but I guess other things hurt so much more that this has become rather insignificant for now? But yes.. Already had this feeling I would be disappointed. So it was more bearable when getting the results. Guess it helps that me and mei got some reassurance about our standard of chinese. It really helped. But now, I'm worried abt the next round of 'O' levels. I wanted my A. But I no longer think I can make it...

Pft. I'm in the mood to blog but have no idea what to blog about. Corrections: I've many topics that I want to blog about but they'll just get me into this mood that I rather avoid. I'm already treading the line with this entry. But I guess me being able to blog about the results without breaking means it didn't hurt as much as I feared. Or have I just gotten better at pushing it to the back of my head? That's another fear of mine...

poems from the past

2007-02-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

Uhohh. I know there's this renewed urge in me to start writing again, which isn't good.

Anyway just now, felt like looking this notebook which I almost never use. I wrote about 3-4 poems in there. And after that, I remembered that my diary had a few more poems so just read through them. Hmm. Poems from the past. In another entry from today, I blogged about how I uploaded one of the poem up to my Eportfolio. Really, poems seem to be coming back into my life. What with the english assignment and finding poems from the past...

It freaked me out when I realized how those poems I wrote a few years back are just so fitting for this whole situation now. Hmm... Should I place them on my blog? I'll consider. It's not because of how well or how badly the poems are written which is making me hesitate. Rather, it's the content of the poems and how they're really a reflection of how I feel. Considering that a line from one of the poems was going through my head even before I re-read it for the first time in a long while. Some things never change, do they? When I read the poems, I was surprised at how I have certain beliefs that never change. And yet, there was one poem that stood out from the rest. Hmm... I'll blog it but let me state that I don't really agree with what I wrote at that time. Background history, it was written at the start of last year. Didn't even remember I wrote anything like that...

Relationships

Walking in pairs
Hands intertwined
The look in their eyes
speaks louder than words

But how long before
love turns to hurt?

Feeting happiness
Temporary bliss
The unspoken reality
that everyone knows.

Are we so easily contented
with this passing dream?

Hmm... I edited the last line. Because the original version just seemed weird so yeps. But seriously, the poem's so unlike something written by me since that's one kind of attitude I rarely ever have about love. Which was why I got a bit disturbed that I could write something like that once. At that time, I wrote a short reflection after writing the poem and really, the most important question I asked myself at that time, "Was I that cynical of relationships?"...

mei's craziness

2007-02-10T21:35:00.000+08:00

Heehee! I wrote about this in my notebook before so won't be blogging that in-depth on it. Whee!

Mei was being ego... by claiming that I'm pregnant with her child! Haha. Yes, the conversation went like this. I was telling her about my craving for chicken chop rice for dinner. Then mei was like saying how cravings mean something.

Me: Uhhuh. Having cravings means that I'm pregnant? Uhhuh. But then, there'll be the problem of whose child it is.

Mei: Mine lah!

And we both started laughing non-stop. =p

Heehee. And one example of how we know each other too well. We were talking about hostel stay and the teacher in charge of each floor. Then suddenly, she went "Oh no." and I just started saying "No, no way" non-stop. Basically, she had the idea that a certain teacher might end up being the teacher in charge of our floor and that's why she went "Oh no" and I just knew what she was thinking and so had a very violent response. =p Heehee. So cool! -amused- -bounces-

spring cleaning

2007-02-10T20:54:00.000+08:00

Yes yes, I should be doing my homework and all but after one whole day of packing and cleaning my room, I'm really exhausted and just want to rest and relax. =p

Woke up at 10 and started packing my room right after breakfast. Basically, everyone was packing various parts of the house so naturally, I am in charge of packing my room. Finally got around to looking through work from Secondary 2. It's really alarming when I don't recall studying various topics in Secondary 2. Does that tell you how much I tune out during lessons? Does that tell you how low studies were on my priority list? =p But anyway, saw some pieces of work worth keeping so I've a very thin folder of stuff from Secondary 2. Mostly, they were essays or some kind of creative writing. Uploaded one of the poems onto my Eportfolio. Intending to type out one of my Sec 2 zuowens and save it in the computer and maybe upload it onto my Eportfolio too. For me to want to do that, those works are something I'm rather proud of, I guess...

Now, that was just packing of school stuff from Secondary 2. What happens when I pack other cupboards and just start looking through photos? =p Pictures of me since I was around 2 or so... There's this set of photos that I really like. Me, as a child in Tioman and really so innocent and just not caring what others think. I mean, I was even using this large leaf as an umbrella and having flowers in my hair. And of course, I came across a few cards and postcards. Especially one from Secondary 2. Another set of memories. >.<

Whee! I feel accomplished! Went through 4 cupboards and 1 box of stuff and threw away 2 garbage bag of stuff... Oops? And since I was packing my room, I decided to organize my worksheets from Secondary 3 so every module is filed properly. -gasps- Realized how much worksheets and all we got last year. But yes, I'm happy and feel really accomplished! =) Hmm. Really, really exhausted from the packing since I started at 10 plus and only ended at around 5... On the bright side, guess it makes it a bit easier when I have to move into the hostel at the end of the year since a larger portion of my room is packed. =p

That's enough on spring cleaning... A bit distracted since I'm on the phone with mei and so... the next entry of today will be on her! Haha. Whee!

equilibrium

2007-02-10T20:41:00.000+08:00

Was supposed to blog this entry last night but got too caught up in doing quizzes. =p Anyway, "Equilibrium" is the title of yesterday's Friday Night Movie on Channel 5. Hmm... Was reading the "Life" section of Straits Times and read the synopsis of this movie. Found it interesting so hogged the television from 7:30pm - 9:30pm. Realized that I don't watch much programmes nowadays. I don't even catch "The Arena" every weekk.. Oh wait, I'm digressing.

A short summary of what the show's about and then you'll understand why I wanted to watch it. In this futuristic society, art, books, music, etc are banned. Why? Because they cause people to have emotions. Basically, everyone's emotions are suppressed as this person known as "Father" have told them that emotions is the real source of problems. Emotions lead to war, chaos, destruction, etc... So everyone takes this drug regularly which causes them to not feel. The protagonist is this guy who goes around killing all those who don't follow the laws which means if you have a piece of artwork hidden somewhere and it is found, you're dead. Then one day, he misses a dose of the drug and starts feeling...

Hmm. A lot of interesting ideas and concepts were brought up in the show. Throughout the show, it just reaffirmed the reason why I never wanted to stop feeling. Yes, I'm emotional and that sure has its disadvantages. I mean, being able to not ever feel moody or depressed, that sounds great, ya? But on the other hand, not able to love others, to feel joy and happiness. Unable to appreciate art and music. Everyone is identical to you. What's the point in living? I like this quote, "...without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock ticking." Even with all that negative emotions bring, I find life still worth living for as long as there are a few moments of joy... =)

passing time

2007-02-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

You Have A Type B Personality

You're as laid back as they come...
Your baseline mood is calm and level headed
Creativity and philosophy tend to be your forte

Like a natural sedative, you have a soothing effect on people
Friends and family often turn to you first with their problems
You have the personality to be a spiritual or psychological guru

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Hmm. I don't really agree? Laid back. Uhhuh. Baseline mood, calm and level headed? Please don't start coughing and choking, ya? =p Soothing effect on people? I wouldn't know. Friends and family part is probably the only one that has a bit of truth to it. That's all, I guess.

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.
On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.
You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.
Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.

Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.
You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.
You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.
Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Whee! I love it when I have this kind of results. It's quite accurate and fun to comment on. =) I'm sure some people would be nodding their heads at the last line. "Implusive and trusting"... And also the first two lines. They really sum up how I'm like, ya? A newborn soul... The first thing that came to mind when I saw those words was a baby. =p Heehee. But I don't think I've the innocence and trusting nature of a baby. Of a child, maybe.

You Are 60% Peaceful

In general, you think the world's a pretty great place - and you're happy to be a part of it.
Sometimes you struggle with life, but who doesn't?
You are quite level headed, though you have more inner angst than you'd like.

How Peaceful Are You?

Why do the results always say I'm level-headed? Since when?! Heehee. Yes, I have more inner angst than I'll like.

You Don't Hold a Grudge

You're willing to give almost anyone a second chance, even if they've really wronged you.
Incredibly forgiving and compassionate, you understand that people sometimes change for the better.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

Hmm. Rather true except for one exception. =p Oh well. Heehee

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Whee! The second line is irritatingly true. I don't think people envy my compassion though... They most likely think that I'm too compassionate. =p

You Are 82% Thankful

You're an incredibly thankful person, and everyone around you feels very appreciated.
You inspire people to be more optimistic, forgiving, and grateful.

How Thankful Are You?

Hope you all really feel appreciated by me! =p Anyway, that's the last quiz for today. Wanted to blog but then saw a few interesting quizzes and just continued doing them. =p Just as well I'm not blogging much now. Shall go be a couch potato. Time for some real R&R. Hmm.

On a side note, I've lasted for 6 days. That's a record in a way. =p

today

2007-02-08T20:46:00.000+08:00

I'm in the mood to blog but didn't really know what to blog about. Was just replaying today in my head and just reflecting on how it's been and I've decided today's blog-worthy. =) As usual, can't think of a decent blog title. =p

Heehee. This entry's going to be a recount of today so yeps. Read only if you're interested? Nothing that's going to be very reflective. Oh wait. Did you believe me when I said I'm not going to be reflective? When am I not reflective? Haha. Oops? =p Ok. Attempted to woke up early this morning but it didn't really work out that well? Only got out of bed 10 minutes earlier. Finished up adding colour to those notes. Went to school and became anti-social in an attempt to finish the notes... Sighs. Sorry. Wanted to finish them before flag-rising so didn't talk much. Let's see. Lessons today... Maths, nothing much to blog about. Recess. Normal? English. Whee! Blog-worthy.

Haha. It's times like this I wonder why I ever came to this school. Considering that I have higher expectations for my languages and art compared to maths and the three sciences. Got back our "quiz" or is it a test? Doesn't matter. Rather pleased with the marks. Sorry mei if it became unbearable. =( But yes, my expectations for english are probably due to last year. I guess it's the need to know that I can do well regardless of who the teacher is. Discussed this poem entitled "Oh, When I love you" in class. Rather interesting. Too bad there wasn't much time to discuss about whether love changes a person. That would be interesting. Ack. I want to blog about love! -controls- Shall do a series of entries on love and things related to love this coming week, since it's V-day and all on Wed. Ms Tan asked everyone to write a poem as a reply to "Oh, When I love you". Heehee. I'm probably going to put it up on my EPortfolio once of these days. It's not as good as compared to some of those she read out in class but I guess it was a decent piece considering how I stopped writing poems in Sec 1. The few attempts were rather bad. =p By my standards. No, no one's going to ever read them. =p Ohh! This crazy idea came to me while I was stoning and waiting for Jon's school bus. Tempted to expand on the poem and make it into a song. =p Just for fun. The poem can be the chorus. =p Heehee. Going a bit crazy today.

After English, went to MINT, this toy musuem opposite Raffles Hotel. Had 30 minute for lunch so this group of us walked around and decided to go Pop@Central. Ate a bit at the cafe there. I'm already trying to find time to go down to that area by myself or something one day. Was gushing about how the National Library, Pop@Central and Art Friend is all there. And Sasha Bears! =p But yes, I want to find time to go walk around there. Preferably with cash in my wallet. =p Went to the toy musuem and was rather fascinated by the collection. Took a few photos. My photography skills need to be improved. When was the last time I touched the camera? Whee! I like the 3rd floor because they have this glass floor which enables you to look down to the 1st level. People were getting scared and ran away from that area of the floor once they realized there was only glass between them and 2 levels down. Me? I was just fascinated. =) After the tour, there was another 15 minutes so decided to go Sasha Bears. Pft! They were closed. And to rub salt into the wound, they're resuming business tomorrow. Wahhh. But anyway, one thing I realized during this excursion is that I'm starting to be a lot more obvious in my gushing and highness level even if I'm not with the few of you. What does that mean? Sure, it's good that I'm going high and all but I'm worried that I'm going high deliberately. Unfounded fear but yes, that thought came to my mind. And one more thing I realized is how I miss having you all around when I go high. It's just different when I go high with you 3. Oh well.

Chinese class. I'm paying attention nowadays! -gasps- More attention anyway. Nothing much I want to blog about, I guess. Except that the sleepiness started hitting me really badly during class. Wasn't that bad on the bus back from MINT. Physics, skip. Nothing much to blog about too... Vectors test. Urk. I know I can do better. Oh well. It's over. Dental appointment. Heehee. Finally got around to seeing the dentist. A few more visits before I can have my braces removed.

Ok. Here comes the reflection-intensive part of today. On the bus, I was just realizing how I've changed and how I've stayed the same. Previously, in a similar situation, being all alone while listening to my player would make me think of stuff and I'll be on the verge of tears. But now, the tears have stopped trying to come. The memories still play through in my mind but I guess I'm learning how to move on? In a way, I've gotten stronger. I make the deliberate effort to control my emotions before they go downhill. I mean, if I wanted, the tears can still come. I know. It's a fact. I was treading the line between reflection and emo-ness on the bus. But now, I deliberately make sure my mood doesn't drop. Yeps.

Another incident today which was a potential time for me to get emo was when I just sat at the void deck and listened to my player while waiting for Jon's school bus. Things and memories went through my mind. Even the idea to make the english poem into a song triggered off a set of memories. But I guess I'm now looking back on them and learn to just appreciate them. Every single memory. I want to blog an entry dedicated to a person but I've already thought of a more suitable time for that entry. So it's time to learn the art of waiting. I'm counting down to the time when I can blog everything I want to. Pft me with my wanting to wait for the right time before I blog certain topics. Oh well. Are my entries getting longer? Oops? Hmm. One more goal for this year: Start a story on fictionpress. =p The writing bug's gotten into me. With the amount of blogging and all, I think it might last. It's a good way to let things out. =)

taking a break

2007-02-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

Ack. I think I'm deprived of my beauty sleep. I'm really sleepy and want to sleep now but I have to finish up the movie review for design first. And after that, there are still some more things that I want to do by tonight. I rather stay up than wake up early so ya. Heehee. I need a break from trying to type out the review so here goes...

You Are A Romantic Realist

You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance.
Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know.
And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball...
But you'd never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

I thought I would be a realistic romantic. Oh well. But anyway, is this result true? Grounded when it comes to romance? -coughs- Fall hard... Hmm. No comments. The last line is the most debatable. I would disagree but my friends would agree, ya? Don't I just know what you all think? =p

You Are 53% Grown Up, 47% Kid

You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature.
You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

Find this one rather true... I do have the skills to control my emotions but I just don't use them much. Oh well... But 53% is really low. =(

You Are 42% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it?
Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships.
Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

Are You Addicted to Love?

Uhhuh. As if. Fool for love many times? Maximum, just once so far. I don't think my needs should come first. Even after all I've blogged about taking more care about myself, it's still natural to consider others first. Am I the only one who can look out for myself? I don't think so. Mhmm.

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Whee! Sunrise are nice but I rarely watch them. Watch sunsets more often. I think the lines about reflection are too true? And yes, I do enjoy placing a smile on the faces of people, especially those close to me. But no, I don't cook or buy gifts often, ya? What I do give are my words and time.. Heehee. Inspiration for next blog entry. The 5 love languages. =) Do I love life for what it is? Why don't you answer that for me? =p I know what I think the answer is...

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional.
You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly.
Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you.
You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature.
Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Do You Follow Your Head or Your Heart?

It is no surprise that I follow my heart. It's a duh. Romantic, yes. Sentimental, Yes. Emotional, YES. -coughs- I don't think I fall in/out of love very quickly. In, maybe. Out, not so... Broken a few hearts?! -.- Oh wait. Laadeedaa. Weird statements.

Ok. I've slacked long enough. Time to get back to doing proper work. Maybe if there's still time later, I'll blog again. Doubt it though. Heeehee. Think I'm blogging too much nowadays.

sea glass

2007-02-06T21:54:00.000+08:00

I've been struggling through this book titled "Sea glass" but for once, I'm not going to quote anything or even blog about the plot of the book. Rather, I want to blog about sea glass and how I find it rather similar to certain things.

In the book, sea glass is basically pieces of glass picked up on the beach that are no longer sharp. Instead, they have a smooth edge. Broken pieces of glass were initially sharp and would cut people upon contact but after enduring the weather and the waves of the sea, it eventually becomes smooth.

Why am I blogging about sea glass? It's because I find parallels between sea glass and my experience lately. At first, when I was hurt, the pain was so great. But gradually, as time passed, the pain decreased. Analogy time. I guess it's as if I was stabbed by a knife each time but as the knife went through wear and tear, it was no longer so sharp and I didn't hurt so much. Not exactly what happened but really, I'm just really amazed at how I can just admire the piece of sea glass that's so beautiful when seen in the light. It used to hurt me. Maybe it still can hurt me but right now, I'm just learning to see it in a new light, to appreciate it for what it is.

Side note. =p I think I have 2 pieces of sea glass lying around in my room. Whee! The colours are really nice. Maybe I shall put it in a more prominent place to remind myself of certain things...

gushing!

2007-02-05T22:15:00.000+08:00

Heehee. It's been awhile since I had a light-hearted entry, ya? I'm in a relatively good mood today so this entry will probably sound a lot happier. =p

Let's start off with my title. -gushes over oversized t-shirts- Ok, to be specific, I like the shirt I'm wearing now. Before anyone gets the wrong idea that I like this shirt because it was given to me by someone, has sentimental value, etc.. I'll like to mention that I bought this shirt by myself in Bangkok. Oh fine. My mum paid for the shirt but I choose it so ya... No scandalous reason behind it, ok? =p

The shirt's like way too big for me because the cutting is meant for guys. Basically, I bought 5 tops from the teen outlet of this brand then when my dad entered another outlet of this brand, which was meant for guys, I saw this shirt and was whining over how the shirt was too big. Ok. Basically, the shirt's black with white and blue dots splattered all over it. And the centre's like this paint splatter made out of shades of blue with the word "STAIN" in black. Nice colour scheme! And ya, I liked the design so much that I just bought the smallest size they had. But yes, it's still very big and very baggy. The sleeves are almost up to my elbow. Heehee... But it's so comfy and nice! Tempted to start buying baggy t-shirts.

Ok. Enough gushing about a t-shirt. =p What else is there to blog about? Hmm... Ohh. I've been gushing quite a bit over that blue folder of guitar chords. =) Basically, started playing the guitar 2 weeks ago and managed to borrow this whole mini ring-file of chords for Christian songs. It's really fun to look through it each time and just remember the songs that I haven't sang for such a long time. Too bad 3 of us don't always know the same songs. Then can go high together! =p

Ok. I think I better go finish up my homework so I'll end off this blog entry. Sighs. Don't want to continue doing work.

reassurance

2007-02-04T12:10:00.000+08:00

Heehee. Erm. I can't guarantee that this entry won't be depressing, ah? =p I'll just blog whatever comes to mind and with that, we'll see what the mood of this entry is. It might be a bit low initially but read on. It will get better. Things always get better after awhile. =)

Yay! Mel came for service yesterday. She waited for me at the busstop and we ran to church cos we were running abit late. =p Went up to jump during worship. The thing that shocked me was how tears came to my eyes when I heard the first few lines of the first song. The worship team started off with the song "What the world will never take". Just the first few lines alone touched me as I found it so relevant and appropriate. I'll include the lyrics in this entry. =) (Why do I sense that this entry is going to be long?) =p

What the world will never take
With all I'm holding inside
With all hopes and desires
And all the dreams that I've dreamt
With all I'm hoping to be
And all that the world will bring
And all that fails to compare

You say You want all of me
I wouldnt have it any other way

I've got a Saviour and He's living in me
WHOA I wanna know
I wanna know You today

And You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take
The world will never take You away

No one could ever take You away
No one could ever take You away

Hmm... But anyway, this song was followed by "One Way". It's just very shocking when tears just continued to flow throughout worship. Normally for this kind of fast songs, nothing like this ever happens. But ya, was reminded by God about a lot of things. To start off, this whole healing process is going to take time. (considering that I'm still crying so badly during worship...) It would be nice if I just snapped my finger and then I'll be alright but that's not the case. Just like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. It'll take time.

Bro Andy was the one preaching today. Talk about coincidence. Guess what he was preaching about? Contagious faith. I said "You're kidding..." out loud and had to explain to mel why I had such a reaction. Anyone remembers a few entries back on how my TAWG seems to revolve around the whole issue of faith? Yeps. I'll fast-foward to altar call. Yes, I know I seem to be going up for each altar call. But anyway, he was calling for those who had needs for God to meet to go up. Also, he mentioned about intervening for our friends but honestly, I was in no state yesterday during altar call to pray about that. Read on...

Went up to the altar and the tears just came. I guess that church is one place where I don't bother or can't control my tears. Bro Andy prayed for me and he said that God had these three words for me, "I love you." I know. One more thing that I haven't really blog about is the whole idea of love. Been thinking about that quite a bit over the past few days. Especially about God's love for people and how love is supposed to be unconditional. I think I'll wait til V-day before I blog on love, ya? =p But yes, I was just letting out whatever I've kept inside. Didn't realize that there was so much inside me that I didn't let go off yet.

For the 2nd time in a long while, I felt the urge to kneel down at the altars. To me, that's my way of saying that I just want to surrender myself totally to God and also how I want to humble myself. Sister Joanne prayed for me as well. Really, all the adult leaders' prayer have been giving me the reassurance that I kow I need. After altar call ended, hugged mel and there's this kind of mutual understanding between us? Yayness! Could go for dinner/supper with mel after FUEL. Took the chance to catch up on each other's lives. Mhmm. =)

Back to my title. Reassurance. Finally got the answer to one of my questions that I asked God a few months ago. But the answer wasn't important anymore. Rather, yesterday was really about being reassured of God's love and forgiveness. Not only that, also a reminder how this healing process won't be easy and it'll take time but things will turn out alright in the end. And yes, I've been convinced. Rather than trying so hard to resist changing, it's pointless. I will change. I know that for a fact. I can sense it already. But I know it's for the better. Mhmm! =)

To all my friends, I'll say this once more. Don't worry so much about me, ok? I'll take care. I won't be back to normal overnight but give me time. The healing's began. Soon, I'll be whole again. Whole.

Resolutions

2007-02-03T01:35:00.000+08:00

This entry's probably going to be one of my most honest and open entries ever. I’ll start off by explaining the choice of title. “Resolution”. I’ll cover both meanings of this word in my entry. Resolution in terms of a promise and also in terms of an ending. I’ll try to be clearer. Basically, I’ve made a few more resolutions today that I intend to stick to so please respect that, ok? –pointed look- And also, I think I’m going to address and just have a resolution to the situation that’s been affecting me. This entry hasn’t been clear, has it? Please read on, ok? I will elaborate and explain.

I'll summarize the situation that has been taking place. Yes, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been drained, tired, emotional, etc.. (You get the idea.) Why? As much as I rather avoid addressing it, I guess it’s time to. Friendships in school have been rather different from last year, hasn’t it? And well, I got to admit that it has drained me a lot the past month. People have been advising me to let go and all but my character is not like that. This whole week has been a lot better. Yes, I’ve been bottling things within me at times but I don’t act or mask, ok? What you see is what you get. Except today was just one eventful day… Especially in the evening. This is the part that I kind of dreaded blogging about but there’s a need to just address this once and for all. I got rather emotional while walking to Clementi. Yes, memories started coming back to haunt me. And it just struck me how I was so prideful and refused to let a single tear drop. At the most, my eyes were moist. That was all. That is what I mean by self-control in the previous few entries. Met up with Sammi and chatted for awhile. Some points she mentioned were rather valid but it didn’t really register until Lcell.

This adult leader was sharing about her own life and then about how at times we give and give to those around us but we don’t recharge. She was recounting how she found even resting to be a waste of time. Ouch. That hit a nerve. Especially since I’ve been increasingly nocturnal and start wishing that I didn’t have to sleep. But it really hit me then how I should take care of myself. Normally, I would blog something along the lines of “how I’ll take care and be fine for the sake of those who care about me and all” but really, that shouldn’t be the case. The one thing that I really agree with Sammi about is how I’m always trying to “save” the whole world and help everyone else but forget to take care of myself. I’m sure she’s not the only one who thinks that about me, ya? –pointed look- -cough- Heehee. And was talking to Bro Andy after Lcell. He was reminding me to take care too. So now, I say this as a resolution and a promise, “I will take care of myself”. No fine print, no conditions. Note that I didn’t use the phrase “I’ll be fine”? I know that’s not enough. Yeps. When I say I’ll take care, I mean it. I intend to live life for myself and not for others. Wait. Let me clarify. That line might seem like I’m selfish but no, I don’t mean it that way. Rather, I want to be happy because I want to and not because I feel obliged to my friends to be happy. Does that make sense? Basically, the reason why I cheer up shouldn’t just be because I don’t want my friends to worry. Because in that way, I’m not loving myself. This next part is directed at sammi. I promised you maximum two pieces, right? I’ll do better than that. I’ll get it back together til it’s one piece. By the way, one piece doesn’t mean one small piece. I’ll get it back to the way I once was. Ok, that’s resolution no 1. Taking care of myself.

Next thing to address… How do I intend to deal with this whole situation? I’ve been hearing all sort of advice. But I guess it was finally settled during Lcell. At the lowest point of this week, I really wanted to just cut out my heart so I won’t feel anything any more. It was that bad. Disclaimer: didn’t cry. =p Haha. But anyway, back to the point. It’s not that I can’t dao or hate a person. I’m sure everyone has it in them to dislike others. I don’t think I’m any exception. But really, I feel that there’s no point. I’ve come to a decision about what I am going to do already so I’ll repeat this once more. Please respect what I’ve decided. No subtle attempts to change me or anything, ok? I’m letting go yet holding on. Makes no sense, ya? =) I’ll explain. What happened in the past is in the past. I still treasure memories but that’s no point wanting what was in the past. I can’t turn back time. It’s time to move on. That’s what I mean by letting go. Holding on means that I will not give up my friendship. This part is the part I don’t know how to explain. Some might see it like I’m just leaving things the way they are and not doing anything. But it’s more than that. When I care for someone, I don’t just stop caring. It might be possible for me to do that but no. That is not what I will do. God’s just been speaking to me about this issue. There are things that I really don’t understand and I’m very confused but the phrase “let go, let God” has just been something that I need to understand and obey. This is still not as clear as I would have liked it to be but I guess this shall serve as something to refer to. If any of you have any questions or wonder what I’m blogging about, feel free to ask me to clarify or something. I promise I won’t be vague.

I’m looking forward to when I wake up. Shall play the guitar and sing a few worship songs. Too bad it’s past 12. If not, I would be playing now. Ack! My brain’s on overload. Still a lot of things going through my head… =p

Heehee... Oops. I apologize about the time. The internet connection was down so I coudn't blog and just typed this out in word document but coulnd't sleep after awhile so just turned on the com again. About to sleep after this. =)

thoughts from today

2007-02-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

I thought I was getting numbed to the whole situation but then again, as you all always say, I'm constantly in self-denial. Turns out I'm just getting better and better at pushing things to the back of my head and just forgetting all about it. But today as I was making my way home, was thinking a lot (synonym for getting moody =p). Nothing new really. The usual, how do I associate and make links between things so well til almost anything can trigger off a set of memories? Wanting to just examine my heart/head. Wanting to know why I'm like that. Wanting to remove whatever part of my heart/head that causes me to be like this. You get the general idea... =p

Also, I realized one more thing. I doubt I'll be crying that easily or that often anymore. By the way, altar call and during service is excluded. =p I mean, it's like the only place I cry alone is either at home or somewhere in school. But I rather avoid school cause there are way too many memories and well, memories aren't good at times. Not if I'm emotional. Home is just ... sad. I don't want to relive those times again. So ya... Heehee. It's as if circumstances are no longer permitting me to cry. Oh well. That's good, I guess?

It's interesting how things have been. I still go high and start gushing/obsessing stuff or what but at the same time, there's just this constant damper on my mood. It's nothing major but I'm just a lot more reflective nowadays. Even the few seconds during ACE when our mentor showed us snippets from "Tuesday with Morrie" was enough to make me think. A lot.

Need to go off the computer. Hmm. That shall be it for now.

Christian fellowship

2007-02-01T23:08:00.000+08:00

Yay! =) Had the first session of Christian fellowship within our level yesterday. I'm really glad that this idea worked out and can see it coming true. The joy's different from the usual highness or hyperness. This is something more internal and guess it's what keeps me going. I won't blog about the whole of CF though I'm highly tempted to... =p

It does feel weird to be leading but I knew beforehand what setting up this group with Nes would mean so it's not that bad. Considering the whole session, found yesterday to be quite a good start. =) I've got a few goals and aims regarding Christian Fellowship, most of which I've shared with the group already.

There's this anticipation of what each session will bring. I have no idea what we're going to do next week (I'm still thinking about it...) but somehow, I know that it'll all work out. =) Praying that God will guide us throughout this whole time.

upside down

2007-01-30T23:41:00.000+08:00

Heehee. The timing of my blog entries show a trend, don't they? I'm sleeping later than what I was used to. Right now, I'm feeling a bit sleepy but there are so many more things I want to do. Pft. Surprisingly, slept close to 1am this morning but throughout the school day, wasn't feeling sleeping til around late afternoon.

I realize that I don't like to be alone. Haha. That isn't something new, is it? But yes, was attempting to play the guitar without a pick from 4 - 5:20pm. Sighs. The memories that E1-14 bring back... Disclaimer: I did not get emotional or moody during that time, ok? I can be trusted when I'm alone, ok? But yeps, was just at E1-14, strumming the guitar.

I'm wondering how tomorrow will be. A bit nervous and hoping that I won't be disappointed. I've been disappointed by too many things lately. Pft! I want to play the guitar now... -contemplates going to school early- Think I should do TAWG but I think I'm way too sleepy to really focus so it kind of defeats the purpose. Sighs. Either wake up early tomorrow or something? Shall see how things go. Mhmm. Goodnight! At least it's not 12 midnight yet. =p

the horse whisperer

2007-01-29T23:03:00.000+08:00

Heehee. Yes, another entry in which I copy lines from books and put them into here. This just proves that I'm reading too much and losing my self-control. Anything I come across that I like, I copy it down. Oops?

"... where there's pain, there's still feeling and where there's feeling, there's hope."
[Sad but true? =) I totally agree... Guess that answers my question as to why I still hope even after feeling the pain. It's nice to see it in black and white. But yeps, so I shall hold onto this line. As long as I can still feel pain, I'm not that worried about losing myself.]

"... what a previous commodity love was and that the proper calibration of its giving and taking was too precise by far for mere humans."
[Is there a proper calibration to how much giving and taking there is in love?]

"The darkest hour comes before the dawn."
[It seems like the dawn now, doesn't it? But to me, it's not the dawn yet. Not yet. Shall elaborate more later.]

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, becuase the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."
[Have I accepted the way things are? Is that why the pain is less nowadays? Somehow, I have my doubts about that. But anyway, it's true that accepting the situations in life does decrease the pair compared to going against the situation and being all worked up about it.]

Time for elaboration... Especially since I find the last quote especially relevant to me. I've been stating openly the state of my emotions for the past few weeks. And I still intend to be rather honest. For the past few days, the pain is still there. But it seems to have diminished? Or maybe I'm more used to it? I really don't know. But it's just interesting to see how I react nowadays compared to how I reacted two weeks back. There's still a reaction but it's so much more controlled and not as obvious as before. Have I gotten better? Or am I just more used to it? I really want to know the answer to the questions. Actually, there are a lot of questions on my mind. I'm worried that I'm using work as a form of distraction. I want the change in attitude to be genuine.

But to end off, I think that right now, I'm still coping. As I said, it's not the dawn yet for me. I don't see a glimpse of the sunlight. Yet, the darkness no longer seems so bad. Maybe cause my eyes have adjusted or maybe cause deep within me, I know that just around the corner, I'll be able to see the sunrise.

trying

2007-01-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

This blog entry is one day overdue... Wanted to blog this last night/this morning but the internet connection was a bit too slow for my liking and I needed to sleep already so yeps.

Yay! Nowadays, I feel more and more accomplished. It's a nice feeling. =) Let's see. Actually bothering to put in decent amount of effort in studying for biodiversity test. Finishing up most of my chinese homework. Stuff like that... While it's true that I rarely hand in late homework last year and all (other than for chinese), this year, I guess I'm trying to do more than that? To clear homework as soon as possible? And surprisingly, I'm doing that along with playing the guitar and TAWG. Where does all this time come from? Maybe it helps that MSN isn't installed on this computer? And that I don't use the computer that much.

I'm really hoping that this attitude towards work actually continues and lasts throughout this year and the next few years. No, I do not intend to spend every waking moment studying/doing work, ok? Just that I hope that I'm able to put in the amount of effort that I used to put in for work. Hmm... Honestly, haven't felt like that for a long time... Sure, there've been incidents here and there but nothing this sustained. Really reminds me of Primary 5. And up til now, I can't figure how I managed to put my grades up that year. Think I can do it again this year? I'll try...

to die to myself?

2007-01-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: I am not considering suicide or anything, ok? Read on to find out what prompted me to have such a title.

Anyway, I want to state that I'm going to be rather contradictory at times. Considering the previous two blog entries and what's been going through my mind today, I'm really struggling with a few issues.

I'll fast foward to today's service. During worship, while we were singing this song, these lyrics just stood out. "Lord, I know I'll never be the same again"... The past few days, I've blogged about not wanting to change in terms of who I am and what I value and stuff like that. But then this question popped up in my head. "Am I willing to die to myself?" Often, pastors and leaders remind us to die to our rights, die to our dreams and just let God work in our lives. Still remember how God was asking me if I was willing to die to my wish of taking art last year. But now, this question really made me think. I know I'm willing to give up a lot of things if God tells me to. But am I willing to die to who I am? And just let God mould me once more? To be honest, I can't give an answer yet. I can sense that I'm going to change this year. How? I have no idea. And whether I'll change and my fear comes true, that I become less dependent on my friends, I don't know. I'll blog about it once more when I know the answer. But yes, I got to admit that I want to cling onto who I am. I've gotten used to being like that, I guess. And it's what makes me me? Oh well. Shall stay up to do TAWG later.

Anyway, about today's sermon. What struck me wasn't the sermon but rather the choice of verses. Hebrews 10:22-25. The same few verses that I did for TAWG a week ago? =) And the past few days, most of what I've been reading has to do with faith. Hmm... Maybe I should read Jodi Picoult's "Keeping faith" again, yes? =p But yeps, hoping to read Hebrews 11 which happens to be about faith. Just finished the portion in "Power of a praying teen" about faith a few days ago...

One last thing to blog about. Altar call. Even before altar call, was reminded of what God spoke to me about last week. And once again, just felt my heart being so heavy. The same name came to mind. I really want to see that person in church and receiving God. And at the altar, I was just releasing everything unto God and no longer holding back my tears. What I can't get over is how God keeps reminding me to reach out to that person. And right now, that's probably one of the things I want most. And even though circumstances aren't really in my favour, I know I'll try my best. Besides, isn't that one of my new year resolutions? To give my best in everything I do. =)

Oh. By the way, my internet connection is like its owner and tends to have moodswings. Yeps, it only works once in awhile so I'll blog as and when the connection works. Meanwhile, it's back to blogging in Microsoft Word. And you won't see me online for a long time. At least not til the outside computer is fixed. Dad's worried that this computer will be hit by a virus too if I install Messenger so yeps... =p

a perfect day

2007-01-27T23:16:00.000+08:00

This is going to be another entry about my thoughts and reflections after reading a book. You might call this a book review but I think what I do focus on isn’t the plot or how well it’s written but rather, the whole idea behind it and how it touches my heart.

Returned my library books yesterday and was browsing through the shelves for more books. Hmm. Even that alone brought back memories. I really should stop associating so many things with various people. Anyway, a few books caught my eye and I was looking through them but didn’t borrow since it was part of a trilogy and the first book was not there. Pft. Fortunately, one of the books by the same author was a stand-alone so I borrowed it. “A perfect day” by Richard Paul Evans. I highly recommend it. I rank it along with Mitch Albom and Jodi Picoult. The book is those kind that’s really meaningful and makes you reflect on your own life.

Spent the past 1 hour plus reading through the book and just couldn’t put it down. Towards the end of the book, I was in tears. The story’s that moving. Of course, it does help when you’re like me, awfully sentimental and emotional. =p Will copy down a few lines that mean a lot to me…

“Is there any way that you could let me back in your heart? ... You never left it.”
[These two lines were said by two different characters, a husband and wife. When I read it, I was overwhelmed by emotions. How true it is… When you love someone, that person never leaves your heart.]

“I’ve learned that the measure of life is revealed in the quality of our relationships: with God, our families, our fellow men.”
[A gentle remainder to myself. Even as I push myself beyond my comfort zone, I hope that I don’t lose sight of what’s truly important in life. So to all my friends, I say this. If ever my friends are no longer my top priority, feel free to shout at me or even slap me. Just wake me up, ok? Thanks. =)]

“I’ve learned that the greatest threat to love is not circumstance but the absence of attention. For we do not neglect others because we have ceased to love; rather we cease to love others because we have neglected.”
[Ouch. I think that sums it up? Not just for the current situation but also for so many other times in the past. Just want to say “sorry” to those I’ve neglected. Sorry. Please forgive me?]

And there I was, trying to fool myself. Yesterday, after a few incidents, I was thinking to myself how I had changed or how I was going to change. But after reading the book, I’ve realized that I’ve just been lying to myself in order to numb myself even more. I’m still me. Haha. Looks like it’s confirmed. I can’t change even if I want to. Just a book can get me into this state… Let alone other stuff. Now, I’m just into that really reflective mood. And a disclaimer: tears don’t always mean moodiness. I’m not moody. These tears are just... Sorry but I’m not going to finish the sentence. But trust me when I say that tears don’t equal moodiness or emo-ness, ok?

second glance

2007-01-27T23:14:00.000+08:00

Been going a bit crazy with reading books over the past few weeks. Borrowed 9 books at 1 go the previous time I went to the library so ya… Anyway, there’s always a few lines that are worth blogging about. Shall only quote from only one of the books though, “Second Glance” by Jodi Picoult. I shall blog a few lines after each quote if I feel like it…

“A life wasn’t defined by the moment you died, but all the others you’d spent living.”
[Meaningful. How have I been living my life? Interesting food for thought.]

“...that once you had put the pieces back together, even though you might look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.”
[How true is this? Am I really not quite the same as I was before? And heehee, do I even look intact in the first place? With the comments people have been saying about me looking sad even when I’m feeling fine, I think my looks are giving away too much.]

“Did you ever walk through a room that’s packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?”
[Oh. This one, I understand all too well. In fact, most people should be able to understand this. At times, things just seem to be like that and I just wish I wasn’t so lonely.]

“I wish I could tell him I understand: the higher you raise your hopes, the farther you have to fall.”
[Ouch. How suitable and appropriate? I’ve always had that kind of thinking but deep down, I still hope. In fact, even though I’ve fallen so often, I don’t know what keeps me holding on to my hopes and dreams.]

“I want you to have a better life than the one I had. Even if that means keeping your distance from me.”
[A character in the story said this to his daughter. For me, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be that selfless to say that to anyone. Considering that whenever people I care about keep their distance from me, I hurt so much. For their happiness, would I let them go? I’ve yet to answer this.]

“I think people believe what they need to, don’t you?”
[Whee! I agree. It’s called self denial. =p In the same way that I always do my best to convince myself so that I won’t fall even more.]

“Love’s not a because, it’s a no matter what.”
[I guess that explains why I still keep on hoping? It doesn’t matter what has happened or what will happen. All that matters to me is how much they mean to me.]

“Love meant jumping off a cliff and trusting that a certain person would be there to catch you at the bottom.”
[Whee! –jumps off the cliff- Ohh, wait. What happens if there’s no one there to catch me? Or to be more specific, what happens if the one person who can catch me isn’t there?]

“No promise ever rescued a person; it was the carrying-through of it that brought about salvation.”
[The few lines before this in the book was about words. I didn’t see the point in copying them down. It’s what I already know. This line, I’m familiar with it too… As in, the whole idea and concept behind it. Question: Will you carry out your promises?]

There. I’m done copying out and reflecting on each of the lines. Initially, I had planned to blog on a few topics. Was brainstorming for topics to blog about while in school. But after that, I realized I had to start off with quotes first since I’m going to return the book tomorrow and now, I just know how this entry is going to continue.

Changes. People dread them. But for me, right now what I dread most is that I’ll change into someone that I don’t recognize. Was talking to one of my friends last week on MSN and as I chatted with her, I realized what’s one of my greatest fears. Not being me anymore. And I realized that I don’t want to lose those few weaknesses and flaws that make me who I am. Yes, I’m very emotional. At times, too emotional? I care (too much?) about people and my life revolves around those that I love and care about. And somehow, I continue to hope even when most people think I should have given up long time ago. Hmm. And one more thing, I don’t want to be “strong” in the sense that I don’t ever want to be a person who no longer depends on others. In other words, keep things to myself and just rely on myself. Sure, that means I will get hurt so much more if I stay the way I am but hey, I love to quote this line from the lyrics of “There is life” – “the colder the winter, the warmer the spring, the deeper the sorrow, the more our hearts sing”.

One day this week, I was just asking myself why I still hoped even though I’ve been disappointed time and time again? Well, I guess it’s called I still think with my heart instead of my head. Basically, I’m more emotional than logical. =p

Hmm. The past few weeks sure took its toll on me. And though some might think I’m better, who knows? In a way, I have changed a bit just over the past few weeks. I’ve gotten better control over my emotions. At least in public. Disclaimer: No, I’m not emo-ing by myself in school or what, ok? But I’ve just gotten better at pushing things to the back of my head for now. Thing is, they won’t stay long there. I’m waiting to see how I’ll cope. But I don’t want to change. Even if I get hurt even more, I’ll stay true to who I’ve been for the past few years. (Anyone wants to start calling me crazy or something for caring so much? Go ahead. You won’t be the first.)

such a change

2007-01-26T16:14:00.000+08:00

Hmm. I've got another blog entry in microsoft word but it's back at home in my computer. And since I forgot to transfer it into a thumbdrive and bring it to school, that entry will have to wait. =p

Hmm... My title's so appropriate. A lot of things have changed. For one, my confidence seems to have improved a bit? =p For some areas... Maybe it's not confidence, maybe it's just daring to be who I can be. I don't know. I dare say I know myself well in terms of character and way of thinking. But in terms of abilities, I really don't know myself well. As I said before, it's been a long time since I pushed myself. And I guess that's what I'm attempting to do now. Not just for academics. There are various other areas which I'm trying to improve myself.

This might be repeated in the next blog entry but I'll say this anyway. My control has certainly gotten better. =) Laadeedaa.

heavy heart

2007-01-21T09:59:00.000+08:00

On friday night/saturday morning, I blogged about how I was looking foward to service and hearing from God. It's time to blog about yesterday.

It was certainly a change to see everyone in their school uniforms. Heehee. I really should start tying my own tie? =p Anyway, worship for me wasn't anything spectacular, in the sense that I didn't feel like I was in God's presence yet. The sermon was very relevant though. Mhmm. Vision mandate: A generation of faith! For today, I'll not blog about the sermon as that wasn't really the highlight of the service for me yesterday.

Altar call. Even before I went up, I could sense that there was going to be a change in me. For some reason, tears came to my eyes as I thought of a certain person. I still have no idea how to phrase what happened when I was up at the altar. The experience was really different. It was nothing obvious like being struck down onto the floor. But rather, something changed internally. Reason for my title? That was kind of what happened. I don't mean that my heart suddenly weighs more but rather, my heart is feeling heavier. God placed upon me a renewed desire to see souls saved for Him, this new compassion for people. And because of that, my heart's heavier seeing those that I love not receiving God yet. That was why I was crying and just asking God to let me stand in the gap between Him and them. After that, ended off service by singing "History Maker". How appropriate?

Just feel like blogging more about what went through my mind and all yesterday. Before yesterday, I did want to see my friends come to know God and hopefully attend service along with me. But after yesterday's altar call, it's no longer just a matter of wanting. It's so much more than that. It's really this burning desire to see several ones of you saved. And in particular, there's one name that God has spoken to me about. And throughout F.U.E.L, that name never stopped flashing in my head. So many little things would make me think of wanting to see that person in church. And throughout the course of blogging this entry, my heart is still feeling so heavy, as if there's an additional "burden". But this "burden" is something I'm willing to bear. I just pray that one day, preferably soon, those that I love and care for will come to know God.

~keeping you all in prayer~

remembering

2007-01-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

Let me dwell in memories for awhile before I go on to blog about my real purpose for this entry..

As I went for piano yesterday, was walking along this street and just remembered a conversation that I had with someone at that place. It surprised me how I could remember that conversation so clearly. Guess you could call it a flashback? Really, a lot of things have been striking me the past few days and weeks. So many realizations.

Yay! My mum bought "Power of a praying teen" for me. She came home before I left for lcell so I brought it along with me to read on the bus. Only read through the first few pages, or to be specific, the introduction as I didn't want to read through this book like how I read fiction books. Even as I read, there were a lot of things that went through my mind. Had to control the urge to flip to particular chapters in the book that dealt with various issues and topics. After awhile, decided to sleep on the bus. Lcell. Gel was fun and I really miss Glorify. Looking foward to learning the guitar. Yes yes, I might actually do something about it this year. During the time when everyone shared, it was really amazing how so many of us want to see changes in our school and that God was speaking to each one of us about our school.

The trip back home was really unlike any other. At the busstop, felt the urge to take out my notebook which I use for TAWG and reflect on something that Bro Terence shared about in Lcell: letting the Holy Spirit lead us. How appropriate. Especially since I came across that in the first few pages of "Power of a praying teen" too... So was writing my reflections on it and re-reading the same few pages again and writing down more stuff. So throughout the whole bus ride, was just writing and referring to the book as well. Then even when I alighted from the bus, felt the urge to stay at the busstop and finish writing what God spoke to me about. Didn't want to wait til I got home. Yeps. And as I walk from the busstop to my house, just prayed out loud for various areas in my life. Mhmm.

It's great to reach another level in my relationship with God and really encountering Him every day and not just in church. But there's still so much more that I want. I'm hoping to hear from God tomorrow about the plans He has for the school. We're supposed to wear our school uniforms to church tomorrow. I'm really looking foward to tomorrow's service. Somehow, I think some issues that I've been struggling with will be resolved soon. Heehee. Might start spending money in the bookshop tomorrow. Feel like buying more stuff. But first, shall finish "Power of a praying teen". =) From what I've skimmed through, it's a really good book. Recommended reading!

Shall remember to blog one entry on the book after I'm done reading through it. Of course, I'll probably be writing my reflections after reading in my TAWG notebook as well. Sister Serena made a very good choice when she gave me the Precious Moments notebook. =)

Ok. Did I mention that my sleeping time is so messed up? I'm getting nocturnal. I get so tired in the day but can't sleep at night. Oops? Shall make an attempt to sleep earlier tonight.

lack of rest

2007-01-19T17:10:00.000+08:00

Bah. I've been really tired the past few days. Guess it doesn't help that I've been staying up either to do work or something? Which means I don't sleep til after 12. =p While that's not that late, it means I'm lacking sleep. And didn't really want to take a nap in the afternoon so I guess I'll have to wait til after I come back home from Lcell. Sighs.

There are a lot of other things I need/want to do now but guess I'm stuck in front of the computer? Heehee. Was reading stories on fictionpress just now. Yay! Found a completed story and read through it. The plot was not bad, if only it wasn't so predictable. But really sweet and cheesy? And of course, happily ever after ending. Mhmm.

Let's see what I'm considering doing after going off the computer.
1) Practice piano
2) Read the last 2 books I borrowed
3) Start clearing homework
4) Sleep
5) Write in my diary

Hmm... Out of all these, it's probably not 4 since there's lcell later and I'm supposed to settle my own dinner. Which means leave the house in an hour or so?

Oh yes. Was commenting to mei how I'm giving myself more challenges this year. Like aiming to take my grade 8 this year. Setting resolutions like how I'll put in more effort for everything. Setting up CF for our level. And it's scary when I'm already so tired and drained and I haven't really started on any of the above.

Ok. This entry hasn't really been about the title? But yes, I need to rest. Heehee. Mei, chasing me back home didn't really work. Didn't sleep or anything so ya... Oops?

selected songs

2007-01-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

Hmm. For those who read my MSN space, there are quite a few entries in which I blog about song lyrics and their significance, memories associated, personal opinions, etc...

There are some kind of songs that I purposely avoid. There are some songs that I hope I never have to blog about and say that I understand the lyrics. Some lyrics, I don't want to be able to understand. The emotion behind those lyrics is something I want to stay far away from but now of all times, it's getting harder and harder.

One example. "Blue eyes blue" is a song that never applied to my life. Right now, I'm worried that one day, I'll be blogging about the lyrics of that song and how I find it relevant to my life. And as I was listening to my MP3 this evening, the lyrics of another song hit me. And once again, I'm worried and scared. These are songs I never ever wanted to blog about. But now, I'm just being really naive, really "tian zhen". There will come a time when those lyrics apply.

But for now, am I hoping for too much when I say I really don't want these songs to become reality? I've already had a nightmare about it. And now, I'm so scared that it becomes real. Please. Keep it from becoming a reality, can?

wednesday.

2007-01-18T21:32:00.000+08:00

Wednesday started off so well...

I didn't sleep til about 1am. At first, was staying up to talk and then after that, had to polish off the rest of dinner. Except that now I realized it wasn't such a good idea. Even though it was one of my favourite dishes: Herbal chicken, I erm... ended up vomitting almost right after eating the rest of the chicken. Guess I ate too much of it or something? Cannot waste food what..

Overslept in the morning. Fortunately, it was only by 10 minutes which doesn't make that much of a difference as long as I rushed a bit. Surprisingly, the 3 hours of our mentor didn't really affect my mood and stuff like that. After lessons ended, went up to the rooftop to sketch out designs for the module Introduction to Design. =p Haha.

Then after designing, there was the whole incident. Mhmm. Oh well. Then some talking on the phone and staying up to rush out designs while being extremely tired. Yeps. Yesterday was one of those days that I could have gone without, I guess.

renewed

2007-01-14T00:59:00.000+08:00

Hmm... Today's service was much needed. As my title says, I was renewed after service today. Sure, my mood picks up and all whenever I'm in church but today was so much more than that.

Went to church with everything pushed to the back of my head. Hmm. Yay! I'm looking foward to my mum buying "Power of a Praying Teen" for me. It caught my eye in Manna and suddenly, I really wanted it. Didn't have enough cash but told my mum about it later so she said she'll buy it for me from campus crusade, this christian bookshop near her workplace. =)

Anyway, worship was really a time for me to let the tears flow. The sermon's really relevant to me. Especially the part of how to be a mighty warrior for God. Pastor Gary told us to take on the mountains in our life and to advance God's Kingdom. This line is particularly meaningful, "Don't just speak about the problem, but speak to the problem." And one bible verse that encouraged me was Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I was really hoping that there would be an altar call for this service. I needed to respond. Went up to the altar and just felt God's presence so strongly. I was crying and just asking God to take all the sorrow and pain away from me. And I've encountered God in a different way. Was prompted to fall to my knees and seek God, to be in a position of total surrender. The tears continued to flow til a point when I felt that I've lifted up everything unto Him. And one thing that I was really asking God for was joy to fill my heart once more. Most of the time, even when I face problems, there's still this child-like joy in me at simple things. But for the past week or so, it's been missing in a way. Realized this only after someone pointed it out. But after altar call, felt refreshed and renewed. Sure, it's not the first time I've felt renewed after service. My mood picks up in church as I said. But this round, I feel that it's something more than that, something different. Sure, the problem that's been causing me to be so drained hasn't been resolved and I'll still have to deal with it but somehow, I know that I'll be able to weather the storm. So for those who's been worried about me, don't worry so much, ya? I will or have already picked myself out of the moodiness and will do my best to keep myself from being moody again. =)

quiz result

2007-01-14T00:52:00.000+08:00

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.
The purpose of your life: showing love to other people
Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah
Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Whee! Did quite a few quizzes from blogthings and came across a lot of interesting results. But controlling the urge to post all and only selected this one. Haha. No lah, just too lazy to post all. I really agree with this result. Especially "giving of yourself" and the line right after that. Mhmm. And I don't want to change even if this character of mine gets myself hurt. It's my nature to give. I won't be me if I stop giving and treasuring my relationships with people. So yeps.

thanks

2007-01-12T23:44:00.000+08:00

Hmm. There isn't much that I want to blog about but felt like blogging so yeps. Shall spend this entry thanking three people. =)

You 3 know who you are. The past few days, been talking so much more with each one of you. It really touches my heart to know that you all care about me. You three care for me beyond what I expected. At times, I really feel unworthy of such love and care.

Don't worry so much about me, ok? Sure, I may get exceedingly emotional and all but I believe that I will pull through somehow. It's just a matter of time. =p Heehee. Because of you all, I'll do my best to get out of this moodiness and start going crazily high til you all can't stand it. =p Haha.

-hugs- Thanks once again. I really appreciate what you all have done for me. Oh, let me be there for you all too, ok? Love you all. Take care.

living on hope

2007-01-10T21:10:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Normally, I try to avoid blogging about anything that's even vaguely emotional here... But let's see how this entry turns out?

I really dislike it when I'm proven right. I had the feelings things wouldn't work out well and I was right. I didn't have high expectations. Not as high as normal anyway. Once bitten, twice shy. But deep now, I guess that I was still in denial or something? But there's no mistaking it now. I can't deny that things have turned out this way. I'm still hoping that things can go back to the way they once were. As the title says, I'm living on hope, in the sense that it's one of the factors that's keeping me from giving up.

Ahh. The emo-ness doesn't seem to last long. Yay. =) Been having weird moodswings. Fortunately, I get crazily high at times so ya.. =)

relationships: give and take

2007-01-09T20:26:00.000+08:00

Yay. It's great to be able to blog and publish my entry straightaway instead of typing it out on Word document then trouble others to post it for me...

Pft. I've got a time limit to blog this entry because I want to catch the results show of "The Arena". Except that jose just told me the results... Never mind. Shall watch it anyway.

Hmm. Time to blog about the title. Why are things like that? I gain and I lose. Or at least that's how things seem to be. Last year, I gained more than what I ever expected but I also lost so much... Now, I seem to be gaining quite a bit but somehow, I seem to be losing you. I hate this whole give-and-take situation. Is it too much to ask for that I get to keep all that I have? It's just weird how I can't seem to keep what I want for long. Is this all some irrational fear of mine? I really hope so...

Ack. I'm being vague. But I don't want to go any deeper. Oh. This year has already proved that it's going to be similar to previous years in some ways. For one, the rollercoaster ride has already started. Sometimes, I'm so freakily high. Then the next moment, everything is drained away from me and I'm so tired.

Hmm. Think it's time to change my blogskin soon since I've been getting complaints that it's hard to read my blog... But I like this skin! >.< Oh well. Changing of blogskin will have to wait. Still have other things to do.

2007, welcome?

2007-01-07T18:05:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Even before 2007 started, I already knew that it’s going to be yet another year of changes and more roller-coaster ride. Duh. That’s life. Haha. But anyway, there are some things that will or have already changed in 2007. Oh well. Interestingly enough, I haven’t made any New Year resolutions yet. As in, I have a vague idea of what I hope to achieve in 2007 and stuff like that but it’s not written out in black and white. So I guess I shall do it on this blog?

2007 is going to be challenging. And the best part is that I’m the one who’s going to make my life challenging. I actually want to put in a decent amount of effort for my studies for once and see results. Although right now, it’s just words and there’s this fear that I’ll lose that spirit as the year goes on. There’s also the additional challenge of wanting to build up the Christian fellowship in school. Heehee. Am I intending to take on more than I can chew? Who knows?

Hmm… Shall have a paragraph of my hopes regarding relationships in 2007. The state of my relationship with various people have changed a lot in 2006 but as 2007 starts, I’m hoping that certain relationships don’t end up the way other relationships turn out. Ok. I’m being really vague, aren’t I? Oh well. Enough with the vague-ness already. There’s bound to be changes in 2007 and some of them are already starting to be very obvious. But I’m really hoping that there wouldn’t be this distance between various people and me. In 2006, certain relationships suffered. I don’t want to go through that again for the other relationships… However, to quote this line from a song, “But now, even I can tell, that I confused my feelings with the truth”. It’s a rather sad reality that I’m going to have to face. The state of my relationship with people is going to change and there is bound to be changes for the worse but hopefully, there would be changes for the better. To certain people, things weren’t that smooth in 2006 and I was disappointed but I’m hoping that it changes this year. I still hope and cling on to those relationships. Do you all?

To end off, the 9 of you mean a lot to me and I treasure my relationship with you all. Ohh, I probably made a reference to my relationship with each of you in the previous entry. =p And in the unlikely event that you all don’t know which are the 9 that I’m referring to, it’s Sammi, Gan Jie, Shao, Gloria, Isaac, Mel, Mei, Nes, Kor…

All the best for 2007! Blessed New Year!

Bye 2006…

2007-01-07T18:02:00.000+08:00

Heehee. There’s a sudden increase in the amount of blog entries because I’ve been wanting to rant on during my trip about various things but since I didn’t use the computer there and my internet connection was down when I came back to Singapore, I had to type it on Word first.

Anyway, I want to sum up how 2006 has been for me. I used the word “heartache” to describe 2005. This round, the word I choose to sum up 2006 is “relationships”. Had a lot of time to think about stuff during the Thailand trip and just look back on everything…

In this case, relationships don’t refer to BGR or stuff like that, I’m talking about every single relationship. Relationship with my family, friends, etc… You get the idea.

Sure, 2006 was a year of adjustment and changes since I transferred to NUS High but really, my year was centred around relationships. What strikes me most about this year is my relationships with various people. Closer bonds and increasing distance in various relationships, new relationships formed, certain relationships lost? And some just remain the same. Yeps, last year really centred around the people around me. If it wasn’t for them, 2006 would have been totally different.

Because of changes in the state of certain relationships, my general mood changed for the better. Because of new relationships being formed, life was more light-hearted. Other relationships gave me the strength to go on while others caused me to be pulled down at times. It’s no surprise that 2006 has been quite a roller-coaster ride as usual. I’ve hit quite a few high points during the year but I’ve also been at the lowest ever during the year.

Enough for now about relationships. It’s time to look back on how I’ve changed over the past 1 year. Rather dramatic change in some areas? In other areas, I’m still the same. Physically… If my NAPFA results are anything to go by, that’s improved slightly. Thanks to mei for causing my 2.4 m timing to be better. =) Height and weight not much of a change. Haha. Unless you count the extra weight I’ve put on during the Thailand trip. But I’ll probably lose it soon. That’s almost always the case. Hmm. Academically, I was cruising most of the time so it shows in my results. Average or somewhere around there. Not surprising.
Next, the part that’s harder to gauge. Internally, how have I changed? Oh. I’m still rather emotional. That hasn’t changed for sure. But character wise, I’m really not that sure. Minor changes. Or maybe some things have been made more obvious in 2006. My priorities in 2006 certainly changed compared to previous years though. But internally, I didn’t change that much. At least, not that I think so…

Thailand trip

2007-01-01T19:08:00.000+08:00

Whee! I’m back in Singapore after 2 weeks of being in Thailand. There’s quite a bit to blog about so whoever’s going to read this, happy reading! =p To give you a rough idea of how long this entry might be, let’s just say I wrote in my notebook during the trip and it took up 2 A4 sides and that’s just a record of what I did... Anyway, since there’s so much to blog about, I better organize my blogging a bit so I’m going to include the records from my notebook, which will be in italics, and then add on other comments and details day-by-day in the normal font. Here goes…

Day 1 (18/12): The trip could have started off better… Vomited right after lunch @ the budget terminal. Anyway, realized that the last time I took a plane ride was in Primary 4. Ohh, the view from above is really nice! –gushes over clouds-
Dinner was different was Singapore cuisine (duh!). Surprised myself by trying out dishes that were hot/spicy. At least I’m showing signs of improvement. =p
Next stop, night bazaar! Mostly, it was just window shopping. I like the furniture! Especially the design of the lights and lamps. Ack, I still miss that pair of pants that I didn’t buy…But it was rather overpriced. Pft.
[Heehee. For those who are about to kill me for not taking care or what, I’ve been ok throughout the trip. That was just a one-off incident. Yay! I can at least take a bit of spicy food now, I think. It’s actually more like I can take but normally, I choose not to. =p]

Day 2 (19/12): -teeth chatters- Bathing with cold water in the morning isn’t something I enjoy. BBQ chicken for lunch! –slurps– Oh yay, took pictures with my grandaunt’s dogs.
MBK! At least I have a chance to go there. Whee! My favourite shop of all time, NPB! (For clothes only..) Bought 5 shirts at 1 go, oops? But other than that, not much…
After walking around, it was time for some massage. Ahh… -dozed off- Yeps. Relaxing. Didn’t ache as much after that. Still have to catch a train tomorrow so off to bed now…
[Ack. Ended up eating BBQ chicken almost every day… Oh well. That’s probably part of the reason why I gained weight. I’m now 2 kg heavier. By the way, MBK’s a shopping centre and NPB’s a brand of clothes. Disclamer: I bought 5 shirts from there because it’s really cheap and I like the cut of the shirts. Mhmm. Heehee. Oh well.]

Day 3 (20/12): Writing this on the train… 12 hour ride from Bangkok to Chiangmai. One thing’s for sure, I sure caught up on my sleep… -gushes- I love staying at my uncle’s place! When I looked up at the sky, there were so many stars…
[Whoa… Long, long train ride. Mhmm. Mostly, I slept or listened to my mp3 player or read. =) Ohh! Uncle Phorn’s (second grandma’s son) place is NICE!! We stayed at this place throughout the whole time we were in Chiangmai. Cause he bought some land and built a few “houses” and so we stayed in one of them. It’s similar to a chalet? Yeps. A lot, a lot of stars in the sky. Couldn’t stop gushing when I first looked up.]

Day 4 (21/12): A long car ride up a mountain and then various stops on the way down.
Hmong village. Just walking and looking at the various shops. I have a growing obsession with stars. –eyes my bracelet- Rented the outfit of the Hmong people & took photos. =p
Next stop, the winter palace, a retreat of the royal family. There’s over 250 kinds of flowers there. 0.0 Very scenic but not much time to enjoy it all.
Went to the Chiangmai zoo for a few select exhibits only. The pair of panda bears, the koala bear exhibit and the deer exhibit. Just realized that deers have long eyelashes..
After dinner, it was time for the family to be dolled up in Thai costume. Everyone looks really different..
[Ohh, remembered the name of the mountain at long last. It’s Doi Suthep. Pretty, pretty flowers at Bhu Ping palace! Especially since the roses were in full bloom. Didn’t have much time at the zoo so only saw those few exhibits. The panda bears have a celebrity status of sorts since they were flown there from China, etc etc. Haha. The dolling up in Thai costume was a photo shoot of sorts. The whole family dressed up in Thai royal outfits to have our picture taken. For my mum and I, it meant doing our hair and having make-up put on too… That elaborate. The photographer has a very unique way of taking photos. He sings karaoke while taking the photos. Mhmm.]

Day 5 (22/12): Before lunch, made a detour to a shopping centre to look at pants. That overpriced pair of pants was in the shop. Bought it anyway..
After lunch, the flower show. Didn’t quite meet my expectations. But the floats at the end was rather impressive.
[Ahh. The same pair of pants that I saw in Bangkok was in the store. I went high when I first saw it and then when I saw the price tag, -cringe. Fortunately, my grandma bargained it down a bit. Oh well. I like that pair of pants.. Mhmm! The flower show I’m referring to is the Royal Flora exhibition in Chiangmai to commemorate the King’s 60th year on the throne. Maybe cause I prefer to see flowers rather than greenery, so I didn’t enjoy that place as much as Bhu Ping. Ohh. Whoever design the mascots of the exhibition is a clever person. 9 mascots in total, so imagine the amount of merchandise and souvenirs being sold. But they’re so cute! Haha. I even ran around the place trying to look for the drink stand so as to buy the cups with the mascot for my mum.]

Day 6 (23/12): Early morning wake-up call due to the need to get to Maesa elephant camp for a performance. Drawing, dancing, dart-throwing, etc done by elephants.. Then, a visit to see how umbrellas are made. Got my jeans and jacket painted. =)
Ended off the day with a massage session.
[This record was shorter since I reached the end of the page in my notebook. =p The paintings by the elephants are good! Considering that the paintings sold for a few thousand baht each. I still like the painting of the bonsai. But I wouldn’t have bought it anyway… Went to see how those traditional paper umbrellas are made. I’m super impressed with the handicraft. Each part of the umbrella is painstakingly handmade. And of course, I have to gush over the designs of the umbrella. Ohh! It’s really cool when all those who paint the umbrella seat in one row and provide painting services for your clothes, handphones, etc… For a price, of course. But very affordable. 50 Baht (around $2 plus?) Got my pair of jeans painted with some pink butterflies as to the design on my jacket… What else? Dolphins! –bounce- Haha. Shall bring the jacket to school to replace my black one, which I still can’t find.]

Day 7 (24/12): Had the chance to sleep in. =) After breakfast, went around looking for things to sketch. The price one has to pay for a chance to sketch roses: getting a tan on one side of my face. In total, 9 sketches. Quality-wise, not bad but can be improved.
Went to “People’s Walk” at night, walked about 1 km and bought lots of things. Yay! Bought a pressed flower lamp. Hmm.. What a way to spend Christmas eve..
[Bought a notebook the day before at the umbrella making center so used it to sketch. I’m rather proud of the sketches. Considering how long it’s been since I sketched anything. Oh. Disclaimer: Not all 9 sketches are of roses. Considering Jonathan asked me to draw the mascot plushie and various other things as well. Whee! I like the subjects of each sketch. Regarding the tan, I didn’t realize until my mum commented that one part of my cheek was darker than the rest. I don’t know the name of the place where we walked at night. But the direct translation is “The street where people walk” so yeps. My dad counted the number of lampposts and then multiplied it by the distance between each lamp so that’s how the 1 km came about. Still can’t believe I really bought a lamp and that my parents actually allowed! Whee! It’s like nice. Pressed paper flower lamp. Yeps.]

Day 8 (25/12): Blessed Christmas! Had to wake up early to go Doi Inthanon, a mountain. It’s the highest in Thailand. Went to the summit first and bought a jacket. =) The temperature was around 70C!
After that, drove to see two pagodas. The view from there is really spectacular. Blue sky, which was cloudless, and lots of greenery.
Last stop at the mountain: Mae Ya waterfall. –gush- Breathtaking.. Wish I could have spent more time there…
Other than Doi Inthanon, went to walk around a “village” of shops. There wasn’t really much that I like but got to say that I’m impressed with the handicraft.
[I like Doi Inthanon! That day was one of my favourite days during the trip. Had to wake up early (what’s new?) to drive there but it was worth it. The view’s breathtaking. Shall upload pictures onto my MSN space as soon as possible. I like the jacket I bought! It’s those kind which you pull over your head. Been looking for one so yeps, I like the one I bought! It’s black and has a hood and the design’s not bad. It’s just words saying that Doi Inthanon’s the highest mountain in Thailand and the exact height is there too. Mhmm. The view from outside the pagodas is really spectecular! You can see the mountains shrouded in clouds and the colour of the sky is really, really blue. Dad took one picture with his hand phone, which I sent to my phone almost immediately when we came back to Singapore. Very scenic place. Started gushing once I saw the waterfall (duh! It’s a waterfall!). But since there wasn’t much time, couldn’t stay there for long. Pft.]

Day 9 (26/12): A long drive from Chiangmai to Mae Hong Son. Around 300km and 1864 curves. Went to the village of “Longneck Karen”. Pft. Foreigners always have to pay more.. I like the handicraft! Shawls and handphone holder. =)
[Hired a minibus to drive the 10 of us up to Mae Hong Son. My parents, Jonathan, my grandma, my second grandaunt, her daughter (Auntie Yang), Uncle Phorn and his wife, Uncle Vincent and me. Mhmm. Long, long trip. Ended up sleeping a lot. Ohh. The part about the foreigners having to pay more is cause some locals charged us another 250 Baht for each tourist which meant my family and Uncle Vincent. In the end, my grandma bargained it down.. But still. It’s aggravating to have to pay more just because you’re not Thai. Sighs. Yay! I finally have a shawl that I can call my own. Been using my mum’s each time I needed one. Anyway, Auntie Yang bought the shawl for me. Cause I was looking at it and asking her to help me find out the price. It’s like a blue-green colour. Mhmm.]

Day 10 (27/12): Yet another long drive from Mae Hong Son to Pai. Stopped for lunch by the Pai river. After lunch, more driving, all the way to Chiangrai. Altogether, a rather uneventful day. Oh yes, did I mention that hitting your head on the minibus window repeatedly results in a particular part of your head to hurt, quite badly?
[Ok. The last line is due to the fact that when I fell asleep on the minibus, I ended up hitting my head against the window several times. And ouch, it hurt? So had 2 bruises for quite a few days. It was super irritating when that particular spot got itchy and I couldn’t scratch it cause it hurt to touch my head. Ack.]

Day 11 (28/12): Went to Doi Tung, the Queen Mother’s palace. The garden’s rather big and there’s a high quantity of flowers but not that much variety. A lot of nice scenes to sketch but didn’t have the time. Also walked around her villa. Very clear view of the mountains from there.
After Doi Tung, it was off to Mae Sai. Crossed over the border to Myanmar for a high amount, 600 Baht per head. A lot of jackets & imitation goods sold at the shops.
Last stop before heading back to Chiangmai, the Golden Triangle. Could see Laos and Myanmar from where we were. Finally back in Chiangmai now…
[Doi Tung is nice! Doi Tung and Doi Inthanon are my favourite places in Chiangmai! With the sole exception of Uncle Phorn’s place. The gardens are planted with a large quantity of flowers rather than a large variety but it’s still very scenic. And the flowers in full bloom are big! Bigger than my palm anyway. Didn’t really enjoy going to Mae Sai and crossing the border. Not much point anyway? The high fee that we had to pay was due to the fact that we’re … not Thai. Whee! Oh. Met the son of Uncle Phorn and he went back with us to Chiangmai. Mhmm.]

Day 12 (29/12): No programme planned so slept in. Walked around and sketched a bit. Lunch, followed by another sketch and then a 2 hour long nap. Tea-break, then last sketch of the day: a rose in full bloom. Watched the sunset alone from one of the houses.
After dinner, it was time for a karaoke session at our chalet. Sang til 11 plus, local time.
[The sunset was nice... Hmm. Karaoke session was rather interesting.]

Day 13 (30/12): Yet another massage session before going to the “People’s Walk” for one last shopping trip. Covered a lot more shops in a shorter amount of time. Went back to Uncle Phorn’s house and slept in the Thai-style “house”.
[There's not much to add on so I'll not add on. =p]

Day 14 (31/12): Last day of the trip. Woke up early and headed to the airport. Writing this on the plane now. 2 more hours til we reach Singapore, can’t wait to be back home.
[I'm back. What else is there to blog about? Oh. On the plane ride, realized how homesick I was. Pft.]

going away

2006-12-18T10:08:00.000+08:00

Hiya! For those who don't know, I'll be going away today all the way til 31st.

Ack. I want to be in Singapore especially during Christmas. Pft. At first, I wanted to mail you all your presents but decided not to. So sorry. That means you all will have to wait til I meet up with you all the next time. Mhmm.

Bah.. Honestly, I'm not going to enjoy the trip as much as I would have a couple of years back. My friends are starting to be at the same level of priority with my family and that says quite a bit..

I'm going to miss you all so much. Each time I go overseas, I always wish that one of you are with me. Whatever sight-seeing I do on this trip, I just know that my thoughts would be "If only so-and-so can see this..", that kind of thinking..

I won't be bringing my handphone along so I'll be uncontactable for the next two weeks. Go ahead and message me if you want but I'll only read them on the 31st.

3 of you, can you all discuss if we're meeting up on the 1st? Time/location/activity. That's provided that we can all go out on that day.

I'll miss you all.

unusual ramblings

2006-12-16T20:23:00.000+08:00

Whether this post will really be unusual, I don't know yet. I know what I want to blog about but as usual, I don't know how to go about blogging it.

Let's start off with saying "Happy Birthday" to those whose birthday falls on today, though none of them read my blog, I think. Checked my email and saw 3 friendster birthday reminders for today. And I was only aware of one of them. =p There's another person who's not my friend on friendster whose birthday also falls on today. Mhmm. Heehee.

The really nonsensical thing is I sent out an e-card. =p I don't know why but even though I'm not close to that person, I see quite a few similarities between me and that person.. In a different situation, I might have gotten to know that person better. But that's really unlikely in real life. Oh well. Tempted to address the person in this post but there's really no point? Since I doubt the person reads my blog. Or do you? I read yours though. Laadeedaa.

Enough about that person for now.. Got this feeling that this won't be the last time I blog about that person. Especially since I want to build up Christian fellowship in school. -coughs- That cough is due to the fact that the identity of the person is really, really obvious by now. Or at least, it should be to the three of you. -pointed look-

Ohh. Finally bought hershey's today. Cookies and cream flavour. Dang. Even that brings back memories. Or was I doing it deliberately? Sighs..

Ohh! After the briefing for people staying at Adam, Bro Andy talked to me for awhile. He commented that I looked a bit sad. Hmm.. My mood wasn't that high/happy. But sad? It's probably rather accurate. But dang, it shows. Pft. People aren't supposed to notice, unless you're one of those few people who I can't hide much from. Oh well. Enough rambling for today, I think. This might be my last entry before I go thailand. See how. Will attempt to blog tomorrow if possible. Or monday before I leave for the airport. Considering that the flight's in the afternoon.

Emerging..

2006-12-16T19:51:00.000+08:00

This entry is overdue by 3 days. Though it would have been nice to blog about everything related to camp in 1 entry, I had to go for dinner after blogging the previous entry and it just wasn't the same if I blogged after that. I started being distracted by other things. Any of my entries related to camp, I want them to be written when I'm fully focused on blogging. So I shall continue blogging now. =)

The last two areas that God spoke to me about: reaching out to others and giving my all. Although the first area can get me quite emotional, there's no point in avoiding that issue. In church, we're told to invite our friends for events, for services, so on.. In primary school, I wasn't really interested in going to church anyway so didn't bother inviting my friends. Secondary school.. Somehow, things changed. Especially last year and this year. In secondary 2, gloria and shao came quite a few times. This year, sammi came quite a few times too. =) But even so, my heart was never fully into saving souls for God. The whole thing about me not feeling like I fit in in church didn't help. Who would want to invite their friends when they felt so alone in church? You wouldn't want your friend to go through that too... That was what went through my mind previously. Anyway, I've sidetracked. Even after being an SP, I haven't gone all out and tried to reach out to my friends. One service during camp, the altar call was about us reaching out to our friends and the pastor was telling us to have in mind people that we want to reach out to after camp. Three names came to mind almost immediately. It hurts so much to realize how little I've done even though I value those 3 so much. I found out that a really effective form of motivation is when you think of how you'll lose those close to you because you didn't put in the effort. The tears that I've shed.. I'll be trying.

Last area that I'll want to cover about camp is how I finally acknowledged my lack of effort in so many areas. I wanted to use the word "realized" instead of "acknowledged" but then found it rather unsuitable. I know I haven't been putting in my best. But now, it's finally hit me and I chose to face the reality. When was the last time I gave my all? Or even tried hard to achieve something? Though I shouldn't look back on past glories, I think the one time I really put in effort was in Primary 5. To this day, I've no idea what I did. But that period of time, my grades had quite a dramatic improvement. But after PSLE, everything went tumbling down and I stopped bothering after awhile. Sure, I was disappointed with my grades and all in Sec 1 and 2 but still, I didn't study hard. I just mugged at the last minute. This year, I cruised along for the first semester and was rather content with my marks. Then semester 2's CAP was .. disappointing (to put it mildly). God spoke to me about my effort (or lack of it). And it wasn't just for my studies. Various other things, I haven't given as much as I can. There's probably only one area that I can say that I've given a decent amount of effort at least. But it's just one out of so many areas. Let's see.. Studies, SP, D&D, friends, family, goals, etc... Out of those I've listed so far, I can only be proud of one area. And to be honest, I'm only proud of a small part of that area of my life. The other parts of that area, I've not given my best. Ack. Shall stop being so vague. Since I've been rather honest and open, may as well continue and just state down things for how they truly are. The only area that I've put in decent amount of effort into is my friendship with one person. But I feel that I've failed in doing my part in friendships with so many others. Especially you three. I really thought that we would last forever. This past week, I've been looking back and just acknowledging my lack of effort so many times. I've never pushed myself to my limits before. I know I have the potential to do so much more but it's always been wasted. To quote my parents, "You just cruise along." I want to step out of my comfort zone and just push myself more. Of course it'll hurt but I want to try. I've lost that spirit that I had in Primary 3. Then, I wanted to try out being in the GEP even though my parents were a bit worried about me. I persuaded them by saying that "I want to try. Even if I can't last in the GEP, at least I know I've tried." Nowadays, I've stopped trying. I want to give my all once more. In fact, the only areas that I've given my all is probably giving my time and energy to those 2. It didn't matter how things would turn out, it was just instinct to give whatever I could to them. It still is, by the way. Anyway, I'm hoping that in 2007, I can push myself so much more. I know I can do so much more but only if I try and put in all I've got. How much is that? I've no idea. But I intend to find out.

Emerge.. A new generation

2006-12-13T17:56:00.000+08:00

I'm back from youth camp. Been looking foward to typing this blog entry. Throughout camp, there would be times when I think "Hmm.. I must blog about this, I must blog about that". The only problem is that there are a lot of things that I want to blog about. This blog entry wouldn't just be a blog entry. It would also serve the purpose of recording down what God has spoken to me about and what has been impressed upon my heart. Even before the leaders and pastors told us to write down in our camp booklets about what we received from God, that idea already came to my mind. =)

This entry is going to be edited so many times.. I want to blog while everything's still fresh in my mind. I know! I shall just blog about camp in two entries. =) One entry will be on the activities during camp and stuff like that while the other entry will be a reflection of sorts. No prizes for guessing what I'm going to blog about in this entry.

I'm not too sure how to start off my reflections on camp. Never mind, shall just type whatever comes to mind. Throughout the camp, there have been a few adult leaders who have prayed for me but I'll only blog about what 3 of them prayed about. Bro Adrian laid hands upon me and prayed this "God has impressed this word upon me: Captivate." He went on about how God wants to captivate me with his love. Throughout camp, there have been quite a few recurring thoughts in my head. One of them concerned loving God and being loved by God. A pastor raised up a good point about love and giving to your loved ones today. If you give and you expect something in return, then sooner or later, the relationship wouldn't work out. In the same way, we can't give God our praise and worship and expect him to give us back in return. Anyway, I would like to think that I've given quite a bit of myself to my friends. So how much more does God deserve? I've given so much to my friends but I've given so little to God in comparison. Ouch. It wasn't painless coming to that realization..

Sis Joanne prayed this over me, "You have been rooted and the foundation is set. God wants you to build a house for Him." She went on about building for God. Appropriate, very appropriate. I'm hesitating before I blog about my reflections on this because there are some actions that I feel I have to take but it won't be easy. So once I start blogging about it, I don't want to give up half-way. Throughout the past year, there's been this idea in my head to either form Christian fellowship as a CCA or at least have a Christian fellowship group in school. This idea probably started since the day I heard "One Way" being played in the school canteen. Subsequently, there was that time at the piano too.. But I've just rejected and dismissed it as an idea that won't work out. Guess it's cause I'm afraid and don't have the courage. It's great how God works. Last year during camp, he assured me as to how and why I managed to enter NUS High. This year, he starts showing me the plans he has for me and for the school. Now that I've blogged about it, that confirms it. I have to at least try and do something. Even if Christian fellowship isn't an actual CCA, I want to build up the Christian fellowship group(s) in school. It's going to be difficult, realized it from the start. But I want to sustain the fire inside me. It's irritating when it starts dying out awhile after camp. To quote the pastors, "There's this cycle. We all get spiritually high during camp and it lasts for a while before it dies out and then we go back to normal til the next camp."

Last prayer from an adult leader that I want to blog about is what Sis Jasmine prayed for me about, "A new mantle of leadership". Whoa. There's quite a bit that I want to blog about on leadership but can't really get my thoughts organized enough. Basically, I want to step out in faith and let God guide me. Basically, stepping out to lead in church and also in school. I have a vague idea of how the former is possible but the latter? To be honest, I am scared of what next year will bring.

There are a few more things that God spoke to me about. My lack of regular TAWG, reaching out to people and lastly, giving my all into every aspect of my life. My lack of regular time alone with God. Sighs. I really lack the self-discipline and self-control but this can't go on. I have to set aside some time each day or every alternate day. That's one way to keep the fire burning in me.

The last two areas, I think I'll blog on them separately. It hits quite a few raw nerves.

before Emerge

2006-12-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

To be honest, I got to admit that I'm a bit reluctant to blog this type of entries once more. The last time, those entries brought about quite a bit of conflict between me and my friends.. But anyway, here goes.

One more day to Emerge! For those not from church, that's the theme of my church's youth camp for this year. I'm intending to blog an entry on my expectations, feelings before the camp. Then afterwards, compare it to the entry that I'll have after the camp. =)

Yay. I'm thankful that I've been allowed to go for the camp. At first, parents disapproved because of the original location but after the location was changed, parents gave permission straightaway. Then there was my grandfather's condition to consider..

There's one thing that's going to be different this camp compared to the previous two camps I've been to, the position that I've been placed at. When I received the call from Sister Jas, the first feeling was that I was overjoyed. Deep down, I was hoping that I would have a chance to be in a leadership position. Yayness. =) I'm assistant leader of one of the groups. The contradictory thing is I normally avoid leading as it means being in the spotlight. There are other reasons why I avoid being a leader such as a sense of inadequency and feeling that there are others more well-equipped to lead. Or the issue that was on my mind before I became an SP, "How can I expect to lead others in the right way when I feel so lost in my life?" You get the general idea. Yet, I was happy. And I've no idea why I wanted the position. But honestly, I'm still nervous. But the leader's briefing was enjoyable and did help calm me down a bit and I was given some assurance by the adults said. Mhmm. =)

I'm expecting quite a few things from the camp. Each year, my expectations for camp have been met beyond what I expected. Each youth camp has changed me a bit but to be honest, it only lasts for a while. The fire within me dies out after awhile. But somehow, there's this anticipation inside of me. I just sense that I will change quite a bit after camp. Whether it's me being more confident/comfortable being in leadership positions or something else, I've no idea. But to quote my MSN nickname, "I know I will change, for the better. Will you all see it that way?" I guess there's still a bit of insecurities in me after the previous incident. Didn't realize it. Only a few of you have known me when I was really passionate about running after God. Honestly, I haven't shouted my faith out loud. Why? I've got to ask myself that too.

One last thing to round up this entry. The previous time, someone I hold dear to me was hurt because the person felt worthless since my relationship with God, going to church, etc seemed to be the only thing that made me happy. My friends felt worthless. But I want to get this clear. Yes, I am happy and my spirits are lifted up in service especially when I encounter God's presence. But no, that's not the only thing that makes me happy. I value my friends so much. So here's a promise that I'll make to my friends. No matter how I've changed after the camp, my friends will always be important to me. I just hope that even if I do change, the way you treat me won't. Other than being nervous, I'm scared too..

one normal day

2006-12-08T00:10:00.000+08:00

Whee! Today finally felt like a holiday, compared to the past few weeks. Meeting up with friends, slacking, doing things that I enjoy, etc... =)

Kor, Mei and Nes (duh, who else?) came over to my house today in the morning. Morning referring to 8am. 0.0 Nice of them, ya? Haha. I didn't really mind. They are pro! Helped me finished the Disney princess jigsaw puzzle. After that, they played for an hour or so on the piano before we watched Mr and Mrs Smith while eating lunch (which was soon neglected and forgotten). Then more fixing of a new jigsaw puzzle. But it was a lot harder since the picture's of a pair of dolphin in this sea that's rainbow-coloured. Nes suggested playing bridge so ended up going downstairs to buy a deck of cards. Sadness. Didn't have any cards at home. Oh well. Played bridge the rest of the time. Heehee. I am really the rewols one. Somehow, I managed to play through a few games being really blur and confused as to who my partner was and stuff like that. Then nes had to leave and kor also left. Mei stayed for awhile before she left too.. =( Oh well. Sighs.

The saddest thing is after I transferred what we've done of the dolphin puzzle unto the board, when I brought it in my room, the board dropped a bit and half of what we did went unto my bed. So naturally, some of those we joined together came apart. Had to rush off to meet my mum so didn't fix everything back. But everything's on the board at least. And the border's still in place. =)

Rushed down to central to meet my family and had dinner before watching Happy Feet. Ack. Another example of my ssenwols: didn't realize that the entertainment centre's been renovated and the ticket counter's now on the 2nd floor. Mhmm. Happy Feet is cute! -gushes over Mumble and Gloria- Ohh! I like Gloria's heartsong. It is nice. The heartsong of Mumble's parents is nice too. Mhmm! =) Must remember to get the show when it's out on VCD/DVD. Ok. It's getting late/early. Better go sleep now. Goodnight!

closest

2006-12-05T21:25:00.000+08:00

I've been blogging a lot of entries on my friends, be it thanking them or summarizing the various friendships in my life. This entry's going to quite similar except that I'm going to direct it to two people only. On my MSN space, I dedicated the song to the same two people. In fact, I think I directed almost that whole post to them. =p

I really know how to pick my friends, don't I? To be honest, the amount of tears I've shed over you two probably makes up the majority of my tears in secondary school. On the other hand, a lot of things remind me of you two, even really trivial stuff. Sure, I've had unpleasant memories that concern you two but there are also memories of you two that I want to keep with me forever.

Ok. Enough with that paragraph. It was way too general. Time to address each of you separately. I'll start off with the one that I knew earlier.

You. Haha. Even blogging in this style reminds me of you. After all, we've had so many entries in which we don't mention names and just use "you". You've influenced me a lot and changed me a lot. I think I became a bit less innocent. =p Still remember the question mark notebook? I still wonder what happened to it... Anyway, that aside. My favourite memory of us was when we were to Junction 8 and then you cut your hair. After that, we took neoprints. To this day, I think that set of neoprints is the nicest in my collection. For once, I looked photogenic. =p Haha. But not only that, it was one of the rarer times when it was only two of us going out and taking neoprints. And the smiles on our faces were so genuine. It was also well-decorated. Anyway, I attribute a lot of my behaviour to you actually. There are certain habits that I have even til this day. But times have changed. We've drifted quite a bit. And though things have been improving slightly over the past month, it hasn't reached the level that we were once at. Sighs. Once, you said that you read my blog every alternate day or something like that. I was pleasantly surprised. I thought you stopped reading my blog. Now, do you still read it as often? I know I still check yours each time I go online. Please leave a tag if you still read. Thanks.

Next, unto you. It's a bit harder to blog a paragraph addressing you, I much rather talk to you or something. But anyway, it feels weird if I only address the other person and not you. Mhmm. My friendship with you is rather different compared to my friendship with other people. Normally, I try to be the listener rather than the talker. But with you, I tend to just rant on more, especially over the phone. At times, I'm not used to it. But it's also this that makes your friendship so much more valuable to me. And I have no idea why, but whether guards I have in place all just collapse when I'm talking to you. It's all unintentional. For example, I can just be talking and then I realize the emotions that I've buried beneath and it all comes out. And though you haven't changed me as much as the other person has, you've brought out quite a few aspects of me even more. And there's something I haven't told you. You unknowingly fulfilled two wishes that I made a long time ago. =p Mhmm. Shall end this paragraph here. Let's see if what I'm hoping for now comes true. =p

You two ah... So many things can trigger off memories, both good and bad. But I'm getting used to it. Besides, I don't regret knowing either one of you, my two closest friends cum siblings (even if we're not related by blood).

There. Finished the entry at last. This entry was written in two parts. Was interrupted last night when parents came back so had to stop blogging. Have fun guessing who those two people are. It's really obvious though. =p

bottling

2006-12-04T21:34:00.000+08:00

Have I mentioned that my subconscious is capable of so much more than I give it credit for?Hmm. There was this incident on Saturday that made me realized how well I could push things to the back of my head. While I've been able to push things to the back of my head rather effectively (by my standards), the past week just beats everything hands down.

I didn't even realize what I've been bottling inside me. Had to force everything back into the bottle almost immediately after the bottle was open. After the bottle's been open for the first time, the cap's a lot looser. The bottle has been on the verge of opening quite a few times but each time, I have to force the cap on tightly. But not tightly enough. In fact, I want to remove the cap and let the contents of the bottle spill out but there hasn't been a time for that. The saddest thing is that I thought the bottle was empty or at least empty enough so it doesn't matter if the cap comes loose. But as usual, I'm either in denial or I'm just really naive to think that everything was settled. Oh. It turns out that the bottle was capped for a week at the very least before it was first opened on Saturday. Actually, it was probably capped since the start of the holidays? Oh well. And right now, the cap's looser than ever. But I can't risk letting everything come out of the bottle. Not now anyway.

Ok. That paragraph was just really really different. Quite understandable, I think. Doesn't matter. Not really in the mood to blog now.

quick note

2006-12-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

Yay. I'm home. Quite unexpected really. Was supposed to stay overnight at my grandmother's house again but came back home because my brother missed his bed so much. But the sad thing is that my overnight bag is still at my grandmother's place. Went to the funeral parlour with only my handphone. So I'll have to wait til tomorrow before getting back my MP3 player and various other things. Ack. Oh well.

Not much to blog about really. Just wanted to enjoy using the computer. =p

Ohh. Shall blog about my rather uneventful day. Basically, I've become the unofficial "babysitter" during this time. At first, it only consist of taking care of Jonathan from morning til evening. Today, I had to watch over Jonathan and my 3 younger cousins. All girls, one primary 5 this year, one primary 4 next year and one primary 1 next year. The bad part is when I get sleepy but can't sleep cause the two older girls fell asleep so no one left to watch over the two kids. >.< Oh well. And I finish reading salem falls by about 1pm so had to stone with my MP3 player or watch whatever was on TV. Fortunately, the kids chose to watch "8 below". Whew. So had something to do, which I enjoyed. =)

Why do I have this feeling that tomorrow's going to be a repeat of today? Sighs. The most irritating thing about this whole period of time is not the fact that I can't go out or what, it's the fact that everything's so last minute. I only knew 5 minutes before we boarded the taxi that we'll be going home to sleep tonight. Little things like that. It'll be nice to know where I'll be tomorrow but no one can give me the answer so I have no idea what to pack in my bag when I leave the house. And I have no idea whether I'll be home tomorrow night. It's things like this. Sighs. Got to admit that right now my mind's already on next week. I want to go out with all my friends before the 10th.

You know that I told some of you all that my trip to Thailand was cancelled? Well, it turns out that I still might go. But it's all not confirmed. I'm not sure whether I'll be in Singapore or Thailand. Sighs. The only event confirmed for the next few weeks is that I'm allowed to go for youth camp. Yay. 10th - 13th December. That's it.

eventful days

2006-11-30T10:29:00.000+08:00

Hmm. I probably won't be able to blog til after saturday or sunday. In fact, I doubt I'll be home much the next few days. High chance that I'll be staying over at my grandmother's place. But I'll still be contactable by my handphone, ok? -hint- (I'm going to be bored in the morning/afternoon.) =p

Oh. For those who don't know, I blacked out for a minute on tuesday afternoon. Oops? Before I get killed by everyone, let me state clearly that I did eat my lunch on that day. Omelette + large bowl of mashed potato. So there. Urk. Don't like the experience of blacking out. One moment, I was listening to my parents talk, then when I came to, I was on the floor. >.< Luckily my parents caught me. =p Oh well. So because of this incident, my mum insists that I go for a full body check-up soon. That'll have to wait til everything's over and everyone's no longer so busy.

And another piece of new for those who don't know, the reason why I'll be busy and staying over at my grandmother's place is because my grandfather passed away yesterday.

Sighs. I'm tempted to blog an entry on life and death and how we should appreciate what we have, etc, etc. But not now. Maybe when my thoughts get a bit more organized.